Counteracting Fate
by beta-author
Summary: RATED M. Clary's heart and her mind are at a constant stalemate. Unable to realize that doing the right thing and following her heart may in fact be one in the same, Clary has repeatedly worked against fate and wedged herself into a tangle of lies and misfortune. Unbeknownst to her, she's not the only one inadvertently counteracting fate. Romantic/Drama. AU. Human.
1. Where's the love?

******Disclaimer: The lovely Cassandra Clare owns the The Mortal Instrument's characters!**

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**Clary's POV**

It was one of those moments where I was having a complete out of body experience. I was in the room with everybody else. I was all dressed up like everybody else. I decorated. I did this. I made this place look like heaven. I arranged the whole party. We were in my apartment, _our _apartment. The difference, what separated me from the rest of our friends and family, why was everybody else screaming and excited rushing over for hugs and handshakes, while I was standing here like I had just suffered from a minor stroke. The word passed through my head again and again_ engaged. _I swear I could taste vomit in the back of my throat.

"Ok, let's get you some air before people start asking questions." I heard Izzy's soft voice in my ear and felt an arm around my shoulders as she quickly ushered me into the kitchen shouting _who wants Champaign_ over her shoulder. We were on the veranda a moment later. It wasn't an elaborate balcony or anything, it was about four feet by ten feet, pretty much just big enough to grill on, but it was one of the things I loved about this apartment. My hands clenched to the railing and I hung my head down over the side, reminding myself that if I threw-up from the twenty-second floor it wouldn't go over well for anybody below.

"I take it you didn't know." She said quietly as she rubbed my back. I shook my head.

"No." I spat out sounding a lot like I was about ready to break into tears. Izzy stroked my hair gently.

"The place looks amazing." She said softly. I scoffed and glanced at her sideways.

"You knew?" It sounded more like an accusation than a question. Izzy's cobalt blue eyes softened as she looked back at me. Her long midnight black hair seemed to find just enough of the moonlight to bounce off of her perfectly curled ends.

"He said he wanted to be the one to tell you." She said gently. Her hand reached towards my face and wiped away a stray tear I hadn't realized had fallen. My mind tried desperately to figure out how I had let it get this far.

_It's odd what your mind chooses to remember and forget sometimes. Somewhere muddled with the memories you wish you could remember and the memories you wish you'd forget are trivial memories that seem so inconsequential. _

_I can't tell you the day I met the Lightwoods; Jace, his slightly younger sister Izzy and her twin brother Alec, or their much younger brother Max. I know it was in sixth grade, because that was the summer when my mother and I moved from our tiny two bedroom one bathroom apartment to a larger two bedroom two bathroom apartment. How I wish I remembered the day I met Jace Lightwood though. I wish I could pinpoint exactly when I fell completely in love with him. I wish I remembered if it was the first time I saw him that my heart skipped a beat and my breath caught or if it was something he said or did that made me feel that way. I wish I knew what my first impression was on Jace. I wish I remembered what I was wearing and what the first words out of my mouth were. I wish I knew if he noticed me, if he felt anything when he saw me, if he thought I was funny or smart. I wish, I wish, I wish. When it comes to Jace, I'm always left with wishes that never come true. _

_My memories of middle school and high school are a blur of jumbled snippets of recollections with few words. Although, throughout that entire time one thing remained constant, my love for Jace, the only problem, he didn't seem to notice me at all. Ok, I take that back, he noticed me, he noticed I was Izzy's best friend and he pretty much treated me like he treated her. Primarily, Jace teased me, tormented me, ruffled my hair, and tried to get a rise out of me whenever he saw me. So my love went unrequited, but my sadistic heart loved every encounter with him. My heart would race or just plain skip a beat every time he ruffled my hair, every time he pulled my ponytail, every time he tripped me while we walked to the car in the school parking lot, and every time he pushed me in the pool as he walked by me. _

_Jace didn't just tease and torment me though, that wouldn't be fair to say, he could be protective and caring when he felt like it. Jace seemed to need to get to know any boyfriend I dated, which I'm pretty sure involved him giving them the third degree. The guy that asked me to junior prom showed up to pick me up at the Lightwood's, I had come over to get ready with Izzy, and the guy just left after Jace answered the door. He wouldn't even answer my calls. I screamed at Jace and all he said was: 'He told the whole locker room yesterday that he got a hotel room for tonight. You don't even want to know how he elaborated. If I knew at the time he was talking about you, I would have beaten the shit out of him right then and there'. I have no idea what Jace said or did to the guy, but he didn't even show up at prom later that night, or to school on Monday, and after that he just avoided me completely. _

_Senior year of high school Jace was gone and I missed him terribly. He was only forty-five minutes away at Columbia, but he lived on campus without a car freshman year and he barely ever came home to visit. I still had Alec and Izzy, but it wasn't long before we were all embarking on journeys of our own. I was headed to Columbia, which arguably had nothing to do with Jace going to that college. Izzy was offered a position as a model in the city, so she was taking a semester or so off of college to pursue her dreams. Alec was headed off to Berkley to study pre-law._

_When Jace came home at the end of the school year he surprised everybody with the news he just signed the lease for an apartment off campus. I can't tell you if Jace's offhanded offer for me to move in with him was sincere or him just being polite, but I can tell you I took him up on the offer without a second thought. Izzy tried to talk me out of moving in with Jace and argued relentlessly that this was a very very bad idea, but I was way too thrilled to back out now. _

_Moving in together was a transition and I was quickly regretting it. Suddenly, from the moment I stepped foot in that apartment, there was an awkwardness between Jace and I where there had never been before. He dated, a lot, which I wasn't prepared for. Not only him going out on dates, but him bringing them back. That, I really wasn't thinking about, though Izzy tried to warn me, I completely ignored her. _

_However Jace and I use to interact, sibling banter, good friends, questionably flirting at times, whatever it was, it was gone. Now he just seemed agitated when I was around and he acted like he couldn't get out of whatever room I was in quick enough. Every accidental touch was followed by a strange almost irritated apology. He apologized every time we even came close to touching, even when it was clearly my fault. I started feeling so self-conscious I started apologizing every time we touched or almost touched. I felt like every graze of my hand against his and every brush of my body past his just pissed him off. He seemed to start going completely out of his way to avoid me. More than once I'd be sitting in the living room watching a movie alone and he'd walk in the front door and beeline to his bedroom with a half assed muttered hello, or a couple times he just turned around and left again without saying anything. We passed each other, mumbled good morning, split the chores, and left notes on the fridge of what was needed in the apartment. I couldn't understand what happened between us to change things so dramatically. I started hiding my sketchbook and my journal fearing he might have read something I wrote about him or seen a picture I sketched of him. I questioned if Izzy had said something to Jace, but she swore she hadn't. _

_After the first couple weeks of these uncomfortable interactions and girls being brought back to the apartment nearly every other night, I started seriously looking at moving out. Unfortunately that wasn't going to be that easy. I hadn't signed up for campus housing and it was too late to apply for the fall semester. I mulled over apartment listings, but everything was well over what I could afford by myself and I wasn't ready to break down and live with a complete stranger. When I moved out to go to college, my mother decided to pack up and move four hours away to live with her boyfriend Luke, so moving in with them and commuting to school was out of the question. Unless I wanted to drop out of school before it started, I was stuck living with Jace until at least the spring semester._

_Then one night everything just changed between Jace and I. School was starting in two days, and Jace was out with another bimbo while I was home alone sulking. I had found myself sitting on the small veranda outside, one of my favorite places to go and feel less alone. That may sound odd, but my mom always seemed to get that movie _An American Tail_ stuck in my head and when I look at the moon I just think that whoever I'm missing is looking at the same moon as me. My friends all scattered for college, nobody stayed close, and I was missing everybody, so I was just staring at the moon crying. _

_I was missing my mom, Luke, Izzy, Alec, just everybody. I should have followed Alec to San Francisco, or my buddy Simon to Alaska like he kept pushing me to, or maybe I'd be loving Texas with Luke's niece Maia right now. Maybe I should have taken a semester off to find myself like Izzy, because right now I was feeling so lost. I had no motivation to draw at all, which was going to suck once school started. It's a little hard to major in art and have no inspiration to be artistic. I felt sad and alone. I was surprised not only with how much of an adjustment it had been to move in with Jace, but how much of an adjustment it had been to move away from my mother. I had wanted independence and freedom for so long, but didn't expect I'd miss her so much. I wished I had a car, I'd drive upstate tomorrow morning to see my mom and Luke._

_I just needed a friend right now and Jace was the last person I felt like seeing; at least that's what I thought when he opened the sliding glass door from the kitchen to the veranda. It wasn't the first time I had cried since I moved in, but it was the first time he had caught me crying. It had to be after one in the morning on a Friday night. I glanced passed Jace into the living room and noticed the image of a tall strawberry blonde with a skirt that barely covered her ass. _

_There wasn't anything out on that veranda, so I had just opted to sit down right on the ground. When Jace walked outside, instead of standing there towering over me, he crouched down in front of me. I couldn't tell you the exact words Jace said, but I remember thinking his voice was oddly gentle and filled with concern. I remember looking at him briefly as I wiped away at the tears and thinking this was the most we had interacted since I had moved in. Before I got too lost in his eyes I averted my gaze and made-up some lame excuse for crying. I remember the soft warm touch of his hand as he gently cupped my chin and guided my face to look at him; it was purposeful, there were no apologies. His eyebrows were furrowed slightly and the look on his face was thoughtful, but soft and caring, probably the first time I remember him looking at me with so much feeling. After a brief exchange he vanished back inside, seemingly content with the excuses I had given him as to why I was outside bawling like an idiot, and I gazed back at the sliver of the crescent moon._

_I have no idea how much time passed before Jace opened the sliding glass door again, but it didn't seem like all that much. He was wearing red long pajama bottoms with a simple design and a white wife beater. He had a bowl of popcorn in one hand and the remote control in the other. With hardly any persuasion Jace coxed me back inside. I remember that first movie we watched together was Sweet HomeAlabama. Of course we had seen movies before with Izzy and Alec, but this was the first time just the two of us watched a movie together._

_I don't remember falling asleep on the couch, but I remember waking up the next morning leaning up against Jace's chest. My legs were drawn up and his arm was draped around me under the blanket that was laying over both of us. Jace's legs were still hanging over the edge of the couch and his bare feet were on the carpet. I glanced up over my shoulder and I could see his head drooped forward, his eyes closed, his blond curls falling forward to almost his eyes, a whisper of a smile playing on his lips. I didn't want to climb out of that position, but I knew I was fooling myself. I gently moved his arm and silently rolled off the couch. I headed down the hallway and jumped into the shower. _

_I opened the bathroom door with just a towel around my body, which I had grown accustomed to doing since I had moved in, but I was completely surprised to see Jace standing silently on the other side of the door. I jumped nearly dropping my towel as I let out with a little yelp. Might I clarify I had become accustomed to walking around in just a towel because Jace always made a point of being scarce when I was home, so I had given up being modest. He looked amused as he smirked and crossed his arms over his chest._

_He asked casually what we were doing today, as though we always spent the day together. We went out to breakfast, went shopping, walked around the city, and just talked about trivial things. As quickly and seamlessly as things had turned awkward between Jace and I, they weren't anymore. Jace and I started to hang out all the time, well when he wasn't on dates that is, and he stopped bringing girls back to the apartment, though I never asked him to stop, he just did. We both worked and went to school, but in the evenings, and on the weekends, we spent a lot of time together. _

_I'm not really sure how or when, but at some point it became casual and familiar to just automatically curl up against Jace whenever we sat down on the couch together, one of his arms wrapped around me, and a blanket over both of us. I can recall so many times he'd be on the couch before me with a blanket draped over himself and when I walked into the room he'd hold the covers open invitingly and tell me to hurry up. So many nights we fell asleep that way._

_Jace became the one I always talked to, I always turned to. At some point he became my best friend, the one that probably knew me better than anybody else. He knew all my favorite things and I knew his. We may not have known every secret about each other, he definitely didn't know all my secrets, but we knew quite a few. There wasn't any question in my mind if I trusted Jace; I trusted him implicitly. He was the one I could count on to always be there if I needed him._

_Jace and my friendship grew closer over the fall and through the winter and then Easter came. I remember it was the first holiday that I couldn't get time off of work, so I couldn't go home. Neither Izzy nor Alec were going to be home, so the Lightwoods were going to Aruba with Max for his spring break instead of having a traditional Easter dinner. Jace and I were stuck at school with nowhere else to go. I could have just enjoyed the day with him, but I told him I didn't feel like doing anything. Jace ended up going somewhere for the day saying he couldn't stay home and do nothing, but I just stayed home melancholy. _

_When Jace got home that night he came in my bedroom and found me lying in bed crying. He didn't even say anything as he took in my pitiful state. He walked over to the bed and laid down next to me. He collected me into his arms as I buried my face into his chest and cried. We both fell asleep like that. Prior to that night there seemed to be an unspoken rule that my bedroom and his were off-limits, but after that night, that idea faded away seamlessly. Some nights when we found ourselves up late talking in my bed or his we did on a number of occasions just fall asleep in each other's arms. _

_Izzy was right when she scolded me so often about the amount of time I spent with Jace. I didn't date, not at all, I had Jace, and that's all I wanted. I dated more senior year of high school than I dated any of the years before or afterwards. Jace asked me a few times why I never dated and I just told him I was too focused on school for distractions and I had plenty of time to date once I had my degree. That excuse seemed to work for him. He dated though, a lot, and I knew that, but I never asked and I just really didn't want to know. He'd introduce me to girls sometimes, more because he had stopped home to grab something and a girl was with him. The only time he talked about the girls he dated was after he had broken up with them and he was pointing out some major flaw they had and joking about the fact I even let him date the girl in the first place, like I could have ever stopped him. The girls changed so frequently though I didn't even bother keeping track of them, but maybe I should have. _

_I listen to that Taylor Swift song, You Belong With Me, and I always close my eyes and imagine that being Jace and I. I keep waiting for him to stop dating those girls and see me, see that I've been the perfect girl for him and I've been here the whole time. That's just a song though, and real life isn't like that. It's time for me to stop daydreaming. Maybe if I had actually faced reality and stopped living in my imagination sooner I would have noticed earlier that Jace had found somebody he was serious about and that somebody wasn't me… _

Two hands cradled my face and pulled me away from me trance. The unsuspecting pedestrians of New York City might be saved after all from the risk of me emptying the contents of my stomach onto them. Izzy's cobalt blue eyes bore into mine.

"Clary, you're starting to worry me. You've been quiet for a really long time." I blinked a few times and just looked back at her.

"Seven months Izzy. He's only been dating her for seven months." My voice wavered with a hint of hysteria. To be fair this has been his longest relationship by far, but still. Who gets engaged after seven months? Did he have to announce his engagement like this, at his 21st birthday party? Twenty-one, he's only twenty-one. Who gets engaged that young anymore? Suddenly this veranda was bringing back too many memories; suddenly this whole apartment was bringing to mind too many painful memories. Jace had one year left of his undergraduate program and he had already applied to several medical schools, with Stanford being his top choice. I was going into my junior year at Columbia in the fall. Jace and I had no intentions of moving, at least none that he had voiced to me. I didn't know how much that even bothered me, I was just looking for something else to focus on besides the painful truth, Jace was getting married. I could only partially register that Izzy had been talking to me. I was too busy drowning in self pity.

My head snapped up to the sound of the sliding glass door opening as Izzy's hands fell from my face. Luckily I wasn't bawling like an idiot, I just had that one stray tear that Izzy had wiped away, but I quite possibly looked a little crazed right now. There, standing in the open doorway, was the cause of my anguish. The way the light from inside was shining behind Jace, made him almost look like he had a halo around his head. He looks like a sexy Greek God with those loose golden blond curls that fall to just about ear length, those unique golden amber eyes that just seem to captivate you the moment you look at them, and that stunningly ripped body.

"There you are. I thought you guys were getting Champaign?" Jace laughed out in an excited voice with his arm around Aline's waist. My eyes never met Aline's as I glared venomously at Jace. At least that was the look I was shooting for, it might have looked more like I was about to be sick, which was the other predominant feeling I was still trying to stave off. No sooner were the words out of Jace's mouth than his eyes locked with mine and his face immediately fell.

"Hey what's wrong?" He asked with all the concern and feeling that I had gotten so use to hearing in Jace's voice.

"Nothing." I spat coldly and looked back out off the veranda.

"Hey babe, give me a minute?..." Jace asked quietly and I saw Aline retreat into the house from my peripheral vision.

"…Seriously, what's up?" I shook my head as I gazed off into the bright city lights and my hands tightened on the metal railing.

"You could have given me a heads-up if you were kicking me out." I snapped lamely.

"_Oh Clary_…" Jace's voice sounded so sweet as he walked over to me and tried to put his arm around my shoulders, but I shrugged him off and took a side step away from him. Jace let out with a soft sound somewhere between a chuckle and a scoff as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"…Ok Miss Oversensitive…Nobody said anything about kicking you out. I asked Aline to move in with us." I glared up at him.

"Nice of you to check with me first." I hissed. Jace huffed.

"It's my apartment Clary, I don't' have to check with you first."

"One bathroom is hard enough to share between the two of us, it will be impossible with Aline too." I spat.

"You're complaining about sharing the bathroom?...I know you better than that Clary. If you have something to say to me just come out and say it. Don't act like you're upset about one thing when it's really something else you're pissed off about…" I scoffed as I looked back over the city. He knew me too well.

"…I know you don't like Aline-" I tightened my hands on the railing.

"I never said I didn't like Aline. I barely know Aline." I spat rather harshly.

"Don't you think it's time we changed that?" I scowled in Jace's direction.

"No!" I snapped coldly.

"Alright Clary, I don't know why you're acting so crazy. Give me a clue what this is about. Is it that time of the month again?" My glare turned vicious.

"You're such an asshole Jace." I snapped. He smirked that confident smirk he gets when he thinks he's right.

"Ok…I understand now…Good girl…" He said in a condescending tone as he reached his hand out towards me like he was going to pet me. I made a frustrated noise as I took a step back and swatted his hand away. He just chuckled.

"…Easy girl…Why don't you come inside and have some wine…Maybe some Midol?" He chuckled out. I was biting my tongue so hard right now I swore I could taste blood in my mouth.

"Leave her alone Jace." Izzy said gently.

"Oh come on…She knows I'm just teasing her…This is my big day…Where's the love?" Jace asked as he crossed his arms over his chest again. _Where's the love?_ That was the last straw. I couldn't stand it anymore. I just snapped. My dagger glare intensified as I straightened myself and took a daunting step closer to him. Not that he acted intimidated at all, he was over a foot taller than me and twice my size.

"_Where's the love_?...What makes this the hardest is that you really never had any idea how hopelessly in love with you I've been for the last nine years have you?…Happy birthday Jace. Congratulations on your engagement. I'll have somebody come tomorrow to move my stuff…You won't have to ever see me again." Jace just stared back at me speechless with his mouth agape and a dumbfounded look on his face. Izzy's wide eyes looked shocked and her lips were tightly pursed. I pushed by them both, threw the sliding glass door open and hastily stormed across the kitchen, across the living room and out the front door. I slammed the door behind me, but I'm sure nobody noticed, the music was so loud in there I'm surprised our neighbors hadn't complained. It would have been a much more dramatic exit if I had my purse and keys. There was no way I was going back in there now. I leaned up against the hallway wall next to the apartment door and let myself slide down to the floor. I wasn't sure if I was mortified or relieved that after all these years I finally told Jace how I felt about him. I'm sure I could have gone about that all a million times better, but I didn't want to scrutinize what had just happened. What was done was done. I couldn't take it back now. I could still feel my eyes burning, but I wasn't going to cry. I'd already cried too many tears for Jace Lightwood, what was the point.

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**Jace's POV**

I stared after Clary as she walked across our apartment and out the front door. I was so stunned. I couldn't move. I couldn't react. All these years I never knew she felt that way about me. From the first time I ever saw her I remember thinking she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. For years Clary was the girl of my dreams, but she never seemed to react to me like the other girls did. I thought that meant she wasn't interested in me. Somewhere along the way my feelings for Clary subsided to more of an absentminded thought in the back of my mind. When I invited her to move in with me I didn't think it was going to be a big deal, I thought I was over her, but apparently I wasn't. That nearly extinguished amber that was slowly dieing out ignited into a raging fire.

It was so awkward after we moved in together. I felt like I was on pins and needles whenever I was around her. I couldn't sleep knowing she was sleeping in the room across from mine. I couldn't concentrate knowing she was in the shower completely naked. I couldn't stand being around the apartment, because it was a cruel reminder that she wasn't mine. I thought maybe if I just kept my distance it wouldn't be so painful, but it wasn't working. Then one night I came home and she was crying on the veranda alone and I couldn't stay away from her anymore. It hurt to be around her, but it hurt more not to be.

The closer we grew the more I couldn't stand being so close to her and not being able to touch her like I wanted to so badly and not being able to be with her the way I wanted to. The only thing that kept me from acting on my deepest desires was the fear that in doing so I might end up ruining what we had. I couldn't stand the thought of never again being able to put my arms around her to comfort her, never hearing the sound of her laughing at my jokes, and never seeing her emerald green eyes sparkle and her face light up when I made her smile. Even if I longed desperately to hold her naked body in my arms, I would never take the risk that doing so might mean I would end up never being able to fall asleep again with my arms wrapped around her. Clary and I had the most amazing relationship, she was my best friend and I would never do anything to jeopardize what we had together, which is why I never told her how I felt. At some point I just sort of gave up on the idea of her ever being mine and embraced our friendship.

Clary was my best friend and I couldn't bear the thought of her being so upset with me. I didn't know what I was going to say, but I had to go after her. She was upset and I had to be there to comfort her. I finally managed to take a couple unsure steps back towards the open doorway when I felt a hand on my arm.

"Don't go after her." Izzy's voice was a low gentle whisper.

"I have to." The words were a soft exhale. Izzy stepped between me and the open doorway and put her hands on both my shoulders.

"No. You don't Jace. Listen to me…" I swallowed hard and lowered my gaze to Izzy's torn expression.

"…I don't want to see her hurting anymore than you do. I know you want to run after her and put your arms around her and make everything better, but the only way you going after her is going to make this better right now is if you're prepared to tell her you love her, and not just tell her you love her, because I know you do, but mean it the way she feels…She's completely in love with you…Not a fleeting crush, not a passing desire, not something brought about by confusion over you getting engaged, but a deep down love that has only gotten stronger over the last couple years…Maybe you do feel the way she does Jace, I don't know, but if you're thinking you're going to go running after her and tell her you're in love with her, make sure you mean it…You just announced your engagement to Aline…Are you really sure you're prepared to breakup with Aline for Clary? If you're not absolutely certain of your feelings, you won't make anything better going after her, you'll make it worse…I know it kills you when she's upset with you, but I'm sure she didn't mean everything she said. I can't believe she never plans on seeing you again. You mean so much to her…Just give her a little time to calm down Jace…And think about what you really want." Izzy's hands fell from my shoulders and she turned around silently and walked back into the apartment. Izzy was right. I didn't know what to do. Clary meant too much to me to risk losing her, but I didn't know if I was terrified of losing my best friend, or was I truly scared I could be letting the love of my life slip away from me. If we tried to have a romantic relationship and we failed I would lose both Clary and Aline, although, I found myself much more distressed about losing Clary at the moment. If I told Clary I didn't feel the same way as her, was it still possible to save our friendship? Right now I was so confused I honestly didn't know how I felt or what to do, but I was petrified my relationship with Clary was never going to be the same.

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**An American Tail (1986)**

**Taylor Swift **_You Belong With Me_

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_**A/N - Thank you for reading, favoriting, following, and reviewing! **_

_******(No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without written authorization.) **_


	2. Avoiding the inevitable

**Jace's POV**

It was only a few minutes after Izzy went inside that the sliding glass door opened again and Aline appeared. I tried to snap out of my thoughts and give her a warm smile as she gracefully glided over to me and wrapped her arms around my waist, but I found the gesture more effort than it should have been. I wrapped my arms around her reflexively as I looked down at her. I might have been gazing into Aline's eyes, but I couldn't help the fact my mind was still on Clary, still replaying the last moments again and again.

"Everything alright darlin'?" Aline asked sweetly with her dainty southern accent and her musical singsong voice. There was a touch of worry noticeable in the way her eyebrows pulled together. I nodded and brought my lips to hers for a gentle kiss.

"It is now." I said as I leaned my forehead against hers, though I knew that couldn't be farther from the truth. I tried to never directly lie to Aline and I felt like I was lying to her right now by not telling her what had just happened. I knew this wasn't something I could tell her and that just made me feel more conflicted about the entire thing.

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**Clary's POV**

The door to the apartment opened and for a moment my breath caught from the small sliver of hope that Jace had come after me. I don't know why I thought he would or what I expected him to say if he had, but _I love you too_ comes to mind. I looked up only to see deep blue eyes looking down at me. I felt the hope leave my body as defeat set in. Not only was I losing the love of my life, I probably just lost my best friend. At roughly 6 feet 4 inches Alec toward over me. His lean, moderately toned build was never intimidating though and matched well with his constantly kind, caring look that was Alec's signature expression. His straight, jet black hair just overlapped his ears and fell forward nearly into his eyes, which made it clear he was long overdue for a haircut. The five o'clock shadow that gave him a more roughed look than normal emphasized that he was also overdue for a shave. He looked more dressed up than normal, but he still wasn't dressed to impress anybody, not that he ever was. That was Alec though, while Izzy and Jace fought to outdo each other, Alec was content to be himself. With furrowed eyebrows he looked down at me.

"Did you accidentally lock yourself out?" Alec asked sincerely. I couldn't help the automatic eye roll.

"Hey, can you get my keys and purse?…Oh and my phone? They should all be on my bureau." He furrowed his eyebrows further.

"Why don't you just-" He started.

"_Please_…And don't mention you saw me." He just nodded with a quizzical expression and disappeared inside. He returned a few minutes later with the requested items. Once the door was closed he offered me his hand and helped me up.

"Where are you staying tonight?" I questioned hesitantly.

"My parents." Alec responded evenly. I knew Izzy planned on going back there later too. Their parents were vacationing in Greece at the moment; another one of their many exciting trips.

"Can I sleepover?" I asked sheepishly. I felt like I was in high school all over again. I couldn't remember the last time I slept over the Lightwood's house. I didn't really feel weird about inviting myself over, it was more the fact I was running away from my own apartment. Alec just furrowed his eyebrows further.

"You and Jace have a fight?" He asked with a perplexed look on his face. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah…Something like that." I muttered. Alec shook his head slowly with a look of realization.

"You finally told Romeo that you're in love with him?" It sounded more like an accusation than a question. My eyes widened with surprise as I looked up at him.

"What…No…I don't know what you're talking about." I had no idea how Alec could know I was in love with Jace, I couldn't believe Izzy would have told him.

"Sure…Sure…" He muttered. He put his arm around my shoulders and ushered me down the hall.

"…I think we need alcohol, lots of alcohol." He mumbled under his breath.

A couple hours later I was still in my dress, sitting on the ground, leaning up against a wall in Alec's bedroom. My mascara was smudged from the on and off waterworks display. I was sipping on my fifth or sixth bottle of some Jack Daniel's fruit punch cooler. Alec sat at his desk chair with a bottle of beer. He'd occasionally twirl in circles as he asked me questions. I had pretty much poured out my heart to Alec over the last couple hours and though he was very sympathetic, he seemed more interested in trying to help me move on, than help me break up Jace's engagement, which was my original idea. Around midnight Izzy found us.

"…Clary, that doesn't count either." Alec said as he popped open another bottle of beer.

"Just catch me up a little." Izzy asked as she grabbed a drink and plopped down on the ground next to me. Part of me wanted to know what happened after I left, but the larger part of me didn't think it mattered. I was still having a hard time convincing myself that I impacted Jace's life all that much.

"I was just telling Alec about when Jace came home for Christmas break our senior year…"

"Oh, I remember, you were waiting on the front step like a stalker when we got home." I shot Izzy a little sideways glare, but otherwise ignored her comment.

"…Jace gave me a huge bear hug and whispered quietly into my ear: _I can't believe how much I missed you._" Izzy nodded thoughtfully as she took a sip of her drink.

"If I recall, my parents brought me home at the same time as Jace and I also gave you a hug and told you I missed you." I was shaking my head at Alec.

"It wasn't the same." Izzy laughed.

"It wasn't what he said Alec, it's how he said it." She said sarcastically. Alec chuckled and I just shot Izzy a little sideways glare again.

"Are you making fun of me?" Izzy smoothed my hair and leaned the side of her head against mine.

"Just a little bit sweetie. I was just trying to lift the mood."

"Clary, I hate to tell you, but I really think you just interpreted it all as what you wanted it to be." Alec said softly as he spun his chair around in another circle.

"Don't you remember on Christmas Eve he whisked me upstairs pretty much the second my mom, Luke, and I walked in the door-"

"Holy shit, did you two hook up in his bedroom or something?" I shot Izzy another glare.

"No…Why do you always have to jump to sex Izzy?...I wrapped all his Christmas presents for him."

"It's just…we are talking about Jace…if he's not trying to get in your pants…he's probably not actually flirting with you." Izzy's voice was gentle, but her words were painful to hear all the same. She'd said similar things to me several times before, but I still hated to hear it.

"I'm with Izzy…and having you wrap his gifts definitely isn't flirting. I've been wrapping Izzy's Christmas gifts for years. If anything, he was taking advantage of you." Izzy let out with a little scoff.

"Hey!..." Izzy snapped as she launched into a quickly escalating argument with Alec, but I was too busy getting lost in my memories to pay attention to their quarrel. I couldn't explain it to them so they would understand, but I was certain Jace had flirted with me over the years and that he had to have feelings for me. I couldn't believe I had made the whole thing up in my head through a serious of misconstrued interactions.

I remembered that moment on Christmas Eve so clearly...

_I remembered being locked in his bedroom with him. At one point Jace came and stood directly behind me. He was so close I swear I could feel the warmth that his body gave off, though maybe that was just my body increasing in temperature a million degrees from his close proximity. I glanced over_ _my shoulder at him and flirtatiously asked _yes_ and my breath caught when I realized how close his face was to me, how_ _close his lips were to mine. He smirked and said something about watching me so next time he could wrap the gifts himself. I could feel the warmth of his breath against my face as he spoke, and smell the mint of this toothpaste and the intoxicating scent of his cologne. I couldn't help myself as I glanced at his lips and involuntarily licked my own. I swear he leaned towards me as he spoke, just fractionally, but noticeable. I felt the gentle touch as a couple of his fingertips softly grazed down my upper arm. It didn't matter what he said, it took all my concentration to convince myself he wasn't really about to kiss me and I chuckled as I turned back and made some lame excuse that he'd never be able to learn to wrap gifts, it was way too complicated._

I was snapped back to the present by Izzy and Alec laughing loudly.

"It's true Alec, you spent high school perfecting how to be a wallflower." Alec just smiled.

"So…You spent high school competing with Jace to see if you could climb higher than him up the social ladder."

"I _was _more popular than him." Izzy argued.

"You didn't have to sleep with the whole football team to get there."

"I did _not_ sleep with the whole football team…" Izzy snapped defensively as she took off one of her heels and chucked it at him. He dodged out of the way, but the shoe managed to still hit his bottle sending beer spurting out in all directions.

"You're cleaning this mess." Alec reprimanded as Izzy defensively continued on without missing a beat. I tuned them out again as I faded back into my own memories of high school.

_I was far from Miss. Popularity and high school can be brutal. Being best friends with Izzy helped my status, but I was a short, borderline pudgy, freckle faced, red head, with glasses and hardly any chest to speak of, not exactly popular crowd material. Of course it didn't help matters that my mom bought all my clothes without any input from me whatsoever, and I'm pretty sure she has no sense of style. Izzy tried to loan me clothes on a few occasions, but my mom wouldn't let me leave the house in them. She also wouldn't let me wear makeup to school, which was an ongoing battle between us. My mom might have finally let me trade in my glasses for contacts sophomore year of high school, but that was only a compromise for getting braces. By the time the braces came off senior year, Jace was off at college. _

_I really focused on what I wanted senior year; I wanted to look like the girls Jace noticed. I couldn't grow another six inches or add two cups sizes to my bra, but I spent everyday in the school gym during my free period and gave up candy and soda that whole entire school year to try to get as thin and toned as I could. I had saved up enough money from my summer job that I revamped my whole wardrobe with Izzy's help. Izzy taught me how to do my hair and makeup, though even at seventeen my mother wouldn't let me wear makeup to school, which I thought was completely ridiculous. I thought that's what I needed to do to look beautiful, like the girls that caught Jace's eye. I thought when he came home for summer break he'd see me, see the Cinderella I had become, but I guess none of that mattered; nothing seemed to change between us._

"So that's it…" I looked up to the sound of Alec's penetrating voice when I realized he and Izzy were no longer laughing and bickering.

"…That's your big argument for why you think he's in love with you too?…That's all your evidence of him flirting with you?...You need to take a pre-law class; you'd never win a case with that argument." Although I could tell Alec was trying to be delicate, he wasn't as tactful as usual. Maybe he was just losing interest; we had been sitting here for hours beating this to death. I took an exasperated breath and knocked the back of my head against the wall and closed my eyes.

"That's not all the times I thought he was flirting with me. I just picked a few…It's hard to explain." I muttered.

"Clary, you're talking about the same guy that pushed you in the pool junior year when it was only like in the mid sixties outside. You said the water was freezing cold. You were sick for like two weeks." Izzy argued. I couldn't help but smile at the memory, though I didn't open my eyes.

"Actually, he wrapped his arms around me and jumped into the pool holding me." Alec chuckled.

"I remember…Actually I just remember you irately screaming at him…Then I remember him getting sick too, mainly because he's a huge baby when he's sick."

"Clary, wipe that smile off your face. I know what you're thinking, and he wasn't flirting with you then either." Izzy scolded.

"I think he was." I mumbled under my breath.

"That's not flirting…that's…that's…Alec help me out here."

"Tormenting." Alec drawled lazily. Izzy chuckled.

"It's that too, but that wasn't the word I was looking for…He's your friend Clary, your good friend, maybe your best friend. You guys horse around and laugh and have fun together, but you're just friends. We're all your friends…" Izzy's words were soft and kind.

"…Now…We talked about Jace long enough-"

"You just got here Izzy like a half hour ago." Alec's voice sounded amused.

"And that was enough for me. How did you last so long?...You know how they say when somebody is talking about you your ears ring?...Well when somebody talks about Jace his ego inflates…Nobody wants that…Lets talk about something else…Let's talk about your love life Alec." Alec let out with a slightly hysterical sounding laugh.

"My, my, my, what?…No…No…Why me?" Alec stuttered out uncomfortably.

"We never talk about your love life."

"I don't have a love life Izzy."

"I bet you do, you just don't like to talk about it."

"Well if that's true, then I still don't want to talk about it…Why don't we talk about your love life?" Alec countered. I think Izzy and Alec tried to spend the remainder of the night getting my mind off of Jace, but I'm not sure how much that was working. Hearing about all Izzy's escapades in foreign countries wasn't really helping to keep my mind off of Jace, it just made me feel more alone. I watched the night slowly tick away, 1:00, 2:00, 3:00, and at some point around 3:30 Alec dozed off still sitting in his chair and then Izzy not too long thereafter. So that's where I slept, leaning up against the wall with Izzy's head on my shoulder. It was just before 8:00 when Izzy shook me awake. She's always been an early riser and it was pretty amazing she slept that late; she's usually up by 6:00 even on the weekends.

After a quick breakfast, Alec and Izzy very kindly headed over to my apartment to start moving my stuff. Like a coward, I wouldn't even go with them. I have no idea how much help Izzy thought she was going to be, she's built like a model, but it's the thought that counts. It didn't matter anyway because they were met with fierce resistance. Apparently Jace hadn't slept all night, he was worried about me and kept waiting for me to come home, which I didn't. I had turned off my cell after Izzy showed up, figuring I had everybody there that I could possibly want to talk to, so I missed the ten text messages from Jace over the rest of the night. Anyway, Jace is really grouchy if he doesn't get enough sleep. Although, any thought that his gesture was a sign that he was trying to get in touch with me to tell me he felt the same way as I did was completely killed when they told me Aline was there and had been all night. They didn't offer the information, like an idiot I asked. So Jace was holding my things ransom until I talked to him, which I had no intention of doing anytime soon. Yes I was being immature and yes I was just avoiding the inevitable, but after what happened the night before I just couldn't bring myself to face him; I wasn't ready to face the truth that he was getting married. Every time I thought about it my stomach knotted and I felt sick all over again.

I wasn't really sure how, but they managed to talk me into staying with them, well more correctly their parents seeing Izzy and Alec both still lived at home. I thought it would be really weird, but they both argued it wasn't like I intended on moving in for any great length of time, just in the transition, and it couldn't be as weird as living with Jace and Aline. I had to agree with them there. So it was decided that I was going to stay in a guestroom across from Max, which was creepy seeing I had almost forgotten he lived here; he's always vacationing with his parents.

The Lightwoods had a huge house with eight bedrooms, but only one empty guestroom at the moment. There was an unspoken understanding in the house that one of the three guestrooms was Mr. Lightwoods, even though he was hardly ever home. Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood had the weirdest relationship; I always wondered what was up with them. Most of the time Mr. Lightwood stayed at an apartment close to Yale, which is where he taught. They stayed married, but even when Mr. Lightwood was home he slept in a guestroom. They traveled all the time together though and seemed to get along fine when I saw them, but I wondered if that was just an act. Maybe after you've been married that long it doesn't matter if one of you moves into an apartment so you live closer to your high paying job as long as you spend some quality time together every once in a while. Maybe one of them snored or something and they didn't like to share a bedroom, I had no idea. Anyway, their other guest bedroom was being recarpeted, so that really only left me with the one across from Max. Jace had a bedroom there for whenever he felt like staying over, which was rare, but his mother would never take his room away from him. Izzy and Alec said they could pack up Jace's stuff and throw it in the guest bedroom across from Max's and just put me in Jace's bedroom, but I really didn't feel comfortable with that suggestion.

It wouldn't have been such a big deal sleeping in the bedroom across from Max if he didn't have a terrible crush on me since just about the moment he met me. He follows me around like a little puppy dog, the kind you have to watch out for because you never know if they're going to start humping your leg. He's only gotten worse as he's gotten older. He's fifteen now and I usually just try not to encourage him.

Anyway, next issue, clothes. Izzy was always getting free designer clothes through work. If we were the same size that would be better, but we weren't. Izzy and I headed to the store for necessities, which turned into a trip to the mall. I really only needed underwear and toiletries, but two armloads of bags later and we were heading back to the Lightwoods.

I had forgotten the Lightwoods were coming home today and what was worse was I had completely forgotten they were having a big family dinner for Jace's birthday, which he was certain to come to and not likely alone. This was also when he was sure to announce his engagement to his parents, and I just couldn't be there. When we got home from the mall Max was the first one to find me, shocking.

Even at fifteen he had to be close to Izzy's height, 5 feet 8 inches I'd say, much taller than me. Seeing Alec and his father were both over 6 foot, the kid was likely to be another giant. He has straight, choppy, layered, medium brown hair with natural blond highlights. He wears his hair on the long side though, it nearly covers his ears completely, and it always has a messy look. He has a pretty boy face with soft blue gray eyes, but he always has a touch of a mischievous look to him, much like he had now.

"Is it true? Are you moving in?" Max asked with way too much excitement as he wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me up clear off the ground. I dropped all the bags as I put my hands on his shoulders and let out with a surprised laugh.

"Good to see you too Max." I said with a chuckle. Izzy was already reprimanding him.

"Oh god Max, let Clary go." He dropped me to my feet and took a step back.

"So is that a yes or a no?" I rolled my eyes, but Izzy was already answering his question.

"She's staying temporarily, don't get too excited." The irritation was clear in Izzy's voice, but Max didn't seem to care, he pumped his fist in the air and let out with a barely audible _yes_. I just shook my head. This was going to be horrible.

"Want to go swimming?" He asked in a low voice. He sounded like he was shooting for sexy, but he just sounded hoarse to me.

"You know I would, but I didn't bring my suit." I said trying to sound disappointed.

"Don't let that stop you." Max responded as he raised his eyebrows up and down at me suggestively. I shook my head. The kid spends too much time with Jace.

"Go away pervert." Izzy snapped and gave him a push.

"Max leave Clary alone before I pummel you." I heard Alec's annoyed voice though I didn't see him and Max shot me a quick wink before he took off up the stairs. Alec sauntered around the corner and into the foyer.

"Clary baby, I heard what happened." Mrs. Lightwood, Maryse, is one of the sweetest women in the world. Alec must get his temperament from her. I hadn't even noticed her come around the corner behind me until I heard her soft-spoken voice. I turned toward her and she just wrapped her arms around my neck holding me tightly to her, too tightly, her hugs are painful. Maryse is close to Izzy's height, but heavier than Izzy. She has the same pitch black hair that Alec and Izzy have, but hers has several strands of gray throughout it. She keeps her hair short, shoulder length, and it's curly, unlike any of her kids, which is where everybody always comments Jace gets his curls from. Of course any statement like that is usually just entertained with a chuckle and an evasive agreement. While Max looks a lot like his father, Izzy and Alec look just like their mother, right down to the exact same deep cobalt blue eyes.

"What do you mean Mrs. Lightwood?" I asked sounding more defensive than I meant to. She pulled back and gave me a very sympathetic look.

"You're all grown up Clary. How many times do I need to tell you to call me Maryse?…Izzy told me you were going to be staying with us for a while. You and Jace are fighting?" Her voice was gentle and filled with concern. Luckily Izzy was quick to come to my rescue, and before Maryse could trick me into telling her my deepest darkest secrets, Izzy had smoothly told her I didn't have much time to talk about it right now, I had to get ready to head out, but I'd have lots of time to talk about it later, maybe tomorrow. Maryse seemed pacified for the time being, so Izzy and I hurried upstairs with our bags, but I knew I couldn't avoid Maryse forever.

Even though nearly all the Lightwoods now knew something was up, I didn't even stay for dinner. I slipped out. I couldn't see him. I definitely couldn't see her. I figured it would be an opportune time to head back to the apartment and get a few more things; I wanted my sketchbook is what I wanted. So once I got a text message from Izzy confirming Jace arrived at the house, I jetted over to the apartment. I slipped inside only to see Aline sitting at the couch reading some magazine that had a picture of a bride on the cover. For the love of god, they just got engaged yesterday, she ran out and bought a damn magazine already? I had the overwhelming urge to pick up the nearest breakable item and lob it across the room at her while screaming and cursing excessively, but I fought the urge. I took a deep breath, bit my tongue hard, forced a small smile, though it probably looked more like I was grimacing, and I tried not to completely flip out.

"Hey you!" She said in an excited high pitched voice as she put the magazine down on the coffee table and stood up. It took every ounce of strength I had not to turn around and storm right back out that door without so much as an explanation. Did she have to look like a Barbie doll; tall, so skinny, blonde, curvy? Of course she was so skinny it just made her chest look that much bigger. She had this medium length bleach blonde hair with loose curls, but they looked like she had taken the time to curl each one with a large curling iron. Her hair was curly every time I saw her though, it didn't look natural, but I wondered if she really took the time to do that every day. She had sky blue eyes that just popped with all the makeup she was wearing. Her lips were bright cherry red, but they always were. I hated that lipstick, especially because Jace's lips were that color half the time. I was going to make it my mission to find and throw out that lipstick one of these days. She was sweet though, sickening sweet, and always overly perky. She may look like Jace's type, but she wasn't like the other girls. I don't think I had ever seen her in anything but a dress, but she dressed fairly modestly, not slutty like the bimbos Jace usually went out with. She was from the south and that was evident in not only her southern twang, but in everything she did, her mannerisms, the way she walked, she just had this way about her, I can't explain it, but I imagine this is what they mean by a southern bell. Jace usually dated these airheads that if you looked in one ear I wouldn't have been surprised if you could see right through and out the other ear. Aline wasn't an idiot though, she picked up on things pretty fast. She didn't let Jace get away with all the crap he used to pull.

"Hey!" I said back trying and likely failing to feign excitement as well. Seconds later she was across the room and I was wrapped in a terribly tight huge. Her floral perfume was so pungent it stung my nostrils and caused my eyes to burn. I had to try to hold my breath to keep from gagging. Could she seriously breathe with that on? How could Jace stand that?

"We missed ya last night sugar." She said in her modulated bell of a voice. I absentmindedly thought of the fact she probably had a pitch perfect singing voice, where as I was practically tone deaf.

"Oh…Congratulations again." I said as I somewhat ungracefully pulled away from her. She kept her hands clasped with mine. I was subtly trying to pull my hands free, but she just tightened her grip. Could she not sense she was completely smothering me right now? I was really trying to force a smile, it's not like she did anything to me, but I'm sure it looked as forced as it was.

"Ya took off in such a rush…Is everything alright?" I took a deep breath.

"Just a little guy trouble is all…It's nothing, really. I don't want to bother you." She dropped one of my hands and waved her now free hand in the air.

"Nonsense, no bother at all…" With her hand still holding onto mine she tugged me over to the couch and sat down. The urge to just scream at her was getting harder and harder to fight. This was hard enough as it was, if she caught wind of how I felt about Jace I knew things would only get worse. I wasn't sure if I thought Jace might still realize I was the one for him, if I thought after all this blew over we might still be friends, or really what I thought, but I knew no good would come of her finding out what had happened. There was still the chance that he might tell her, but considering the way she was acting, I didn't have a feeling he had said anything as of yet.

"…We're all gonna to be livin' together, this is just the first of many heart-to-hearts…" Her hand tugged down and I found myself collapsing down ungracefully next to her. She made my skin crawl just being this close to her. I wasn't sure how much longer I could take this.

"…We're not just gonna be the best of friends Clary; we're gonna be sisters." She was smiling widely at me. I had the urge to just blurt out that we could never be friends, that I hated her because she ruined my life and I'd never forgive her. I held my breath and counted to ten trying to remind myself I had no reason to hate her except for that rock that I was suddenly aware was digging painfully into my hand. I hadn't even seen the ring, but I could feel it and I roughly pulled my hand from hers and trying to be nonchalant ran it through my hair.

"Aren't you going to be late for that dinner at the Lightwoods?" She furrowed her eyebrows at me slightly.

"I know Jace was insistin' on me to go, but it's a family affair and in all fairness his family doesn't know me none too well. I haven't even met that younger boy Max nor his father neither. I'm coming by a little later, after the meal. I thought it'd be best…I thought ya'd be there though…He said the whole family was goin'." I gave her a slightly perplexed look.

"Aline, you know Jace and I aren't related right?" I asked with an uncomfortable little chuckle. Her whole face changed. Yeah, she did not know that. Could this get any worse?

"I…I had thought…I mean he said…He always…" She just opened and closed her mouth again. This was the most unarticulated I had ever seen her.

"…Maybe I just assumed seeing as ya two lived together…Oh goodness me…Here I am carrying on…I'm not a home wrecker am I?" I laughed somewhat hysterically as I put my hand on one of hers, which took all the kindness I could muster.

"No...Jace has always been like a brother to me…Nothing more…" The last part was hard to say and I could feel my eyes prick. I was still chuckling that nearly hysterical laugh as I looked away from her and stood up. Aline didn't know me very well, but I could almost hear Jace calling me out for lying so poorly.

"…I just needed to grab some things from my room. You should go. The family is really great, I'm sure they'll love you." I took a deep breath as I stalked agitatedly down the hallway, Aline unfortunately in tow. I was really trying with all my might here to be cordial. Did she have to keep pushing the envelope? Why couldn't she just leave me alone already?

"So how'd you two end up living in this here apartment in the first place?" She asked quizzically. I shrugged. I could tell her the truth…

_ It was Forth of July just after senior year and once again we were all at the Lightwoods for a picnic._

_"Hey short stuff, I heard you got into Columbia." Jace jested as he ruffled my hair, a wedge of watermelon in his other hand. I glowered at him for a moment, I was sure he had just gotten watermelon juice in my hair, but maybe if he wasn't just in deep green swim trunks and looking amazingly cut, or if I wasn't in a cheery red bikini and feeling I finally had worked out enough to not feel self conscious in this suit, maybe if I wasn't completely in love with him from the moment I met him, maybe, just maybe my heart wouldn't completely go into overdrive every time he touched me. I shrugged trying to keep my cool._

_"Don't sound so shocked…I's smarter than I looks." I joked back._

_"I didn't know you applied." He seemed more sincere with his comment._

_"Well I figured I shouldn't have any trouble getting in, seems they let anybody into that school…" I said sarcastically back to him. He chuckled._

_"…Plus, I figured Izzy might have said something." I said lamely, though I knew she hadn't, because I asked her not to. He just shook his head._

_"You know I just got an apartment off campus." I nodded. _

_"Yeah, Izzy told me. That's awesome." He smirked._

_"Yeah, it sucks to live on campus, having to share a dorm is awful…Your roommate kicks you out all the time to get it on with their girlfriend…or you end up being roommates with a total dork from the band that practices the tuba for four painstaking hours a day in the dorm…My last roommate was a real whack job. He had this little altar and I'm pretty sure he was sacrificing pigeons out behind the school, which was bad enough, but I think he fell in love with me because I woke up one too many times to him touching himself and staring at me." Jace cringed dramatically. I rolled my eyes._

_"You know, you were probably that guy that was always kicking their roommate out so you could get it on with their girlfriend and my buddy Simon is one of those guys that plays an instrument and he doesn't practice for four hours a day, I think you're exaggerating there. I can't even believe your story about the last guy. You think everybody falls in love with you, but they don't. Thanks for the riveting overview of dorm life though. I can't wait." He shook his head and scratched at the back of his neck, he looked almost uncomfortable for a moment, which was completely uncharacteristic for Jace._

_"You should live with me…If you wanted I mean…I have a spare bedroom is all I'm getting at." My jaw just about hit the ground. I almost died. Ok, so Jace wasn't asking me to move in with him in the sense of like a couple or anything, but I was momentarily stunned all the same. Izzy walked up behind me and shook my shoulder dramatically with a laugh. _

_"What's with Clary?" She asked sarcastically._

_"Jace just asked me to move in with him." Now when I blurted that out with way too much enthusiasm even I knew I sounded crazy, but the cocked eyebrow and smirk Jace shot me just reinforced the fact. _

_"Ok psycho, I know how much you've been dreading living on campus, but you don't have to act quite so grateful, Jace will get the wrong idea." Izzy responded smoothly. I closed my mouth and a moment later I joined in Izzy and Jace's laughter. _

I opted to go with the abridged version when I answered Aline's question.

"When I got accepted to Columbia, Jace already had the place, living on campus sounded like a nightmare, it just made sense." She followed me into my room and sat on my bed as I grabbed a duffle bag out and started putting stuff in it. I wish I could think of a good reason to get her out of my room and out of my sight, but I was drawing a blank.

"So y'all never…" She let the sentence hang. I made an involuntary noise somewhere between a chuckle and a whimper.

"No."

"Not even once." She pressed. I glanced at her.

"Not even a single kiss." Although, the words sounded more like me complaining than just answering her question.

"Oh." There was a lightness in her voice, almost an added happiness, she seemed content with that.

"Aline, I was going to change…If you could…" I said lamely as I grabbed a t-shirt out of my bureau drawer and subtly gestured towards the door.

"Oh right…" She got up and walked over and shut the door before she came back and sat on my bed again. Dammit. I was trying to get her to leave and now I was just stuck changing in front of her. Fantastic. I bet she had the body of a model, and well, I didn't. Not that I was usually self-conscious about my body, but next to her I wasn't feeling so confident. I changed my shirt quickly and just tried to pack faster.

"…So where're ya staying tonight?" I took a deep breath and looked over my shoulder at her. If I was honest with her, this was going to get even more awkward.

"I think I'm going to crash with a friend for awhile. Three's a crowd you know." I turned back to my bureau and continued throwing stuff in my duffle bag.

"Oh pish posh, I know what this is about." I turned around and furrowed my eyebrows at her.

"Oh yeah?" I asked skeptically.

"Sometimes when we suffer from a broken heart it's hard to see somebody else in love, but I know the best medicine isn't what you're doing sugar, ya can't hide yourself away from everybody and just sulk in self pity…So listen here, I have a fantastic friend that I'd like to set ya up with, he is a handsome young gentleman. Tomorrow night, all four of us are going out to dinner and I won't take no for an answer." This girl was way too chipper. I just stared at her for a long moment. Was she out of her mind?

"I-" I have no idea what I as going to say.

"Hush. No excuses…" She nodded her head definitively and stood up.

"…Tomorrow night." I couldn't find the words to fight her, I was too happy to see her walk out of my room. A little part of me was hopeful that this in someway would be painful for Jace, but most of me just knew it would be painful for me. Two duffle bags packed later, against my better judgment, I was climbing into my car with Aline in the passenger seat. I have no idea how I ended up agreeing to bring her to the Lightwoods. Having her in my car was irritating enough, but I'm pretty sure with the windows up and the AC blasting her perfume fell into the noxious gas category. Of course I couldn't cut a break, she had to sing every single song that came on the radio, and she sang perfectly.

My sprits started to lift when I saw the Lightwoods' driveway in sight. Salvation was just a few blocks away. I drove up the Lightwoods' driveway and Izzy immediately ran outside, probably to tell me Jace hadn't left yet and she'd text me when he did, though she stopped in her tracks when she saw Aline climb out of my passenger seat. Yeah, I knew that look, it was the same one I probably had on my face when I walked into the apartment and realized Aline was there. That, _oh shit, I completely forgot you existed, you just ruined everything, now I have no idea what to say or do right now,_ look_._

"Isabelle." Aline screeched as she hurried over to Izzy and threw her arms around her neck. How come this girl couldn't just say Izzy like everybody else? Isabelle was her name granted, but nobody called her that. I absentmindedly tried to recall if she called Alec Alexander, but I couldn't remember.

"Aline?" Izzy made it sound more like a question than a statement. I stood leaning up against the open car door, impatiently drumming my fingers against the frame. I might have gotten out of the vehicle, but I wasn't going far. I wanted to be able to take off in a heartbeat if Jace came outside. Being stuck in that car with Aline was hard enough, but this display of sisterly affection just made me nauseated. Not only was I losing Jace, but I could just see that I was going to lose the whole Lightwood family. Aline was sweet, she really was, and I could totally see the whole family just loving her. I couldn't deal with this right now…or possibly ever. I gave Izzy a little wave and she shot me a near panicked look. I recognized the _help me_ look she was casting me.

"Hey Izzy, I was heading over to see Maia, want to come?" Maia was actually in Texas right now, but I was pretty certain Izzy knew that.

"Definitely…" Izzy said enthusiastically as she detached herself from Aline.

"…You don't mind do you?" Izzy questioned. Aline shook her head.

"Not at all. That one there is havin' some serious guy trouble. She needs her girls right now." Izzy nodded slowly with her eyebrows pulled together.

"I can't believe she told you she's having guy trouble." I could hear the amusement in Izzy's voice.

"I know we don't know each other nearly as well as I'd like, but I could see the pain in her eyes. She's a kind soul and I could just tell she needed a listenin' ear." I just rolled my eyes.

"That's…so…thoughtful." Izzy said hesitantly.

"Well Clary sugar, see ya tomorrow night. Ya want to all ride over together?" I was shaking my head.

"No, I think I'll come over here first so Izzy can help me get ready. She loves that." Aline chuckled.

"Well doesn't that just sound fun as can be? Don't go and make me jealous now…Alrighty then, I'll give my friend this address, have him pick ya up. Is that alright?" I nodded.

"Yeah…Sounds great." I didn't mean to sound quite so sarcastic, but I couldn't help it, she didn't seem to notice though.

"Well alright y'all. I've got a young gentleman waitin' on me, so I'm gonna head on in. You sure I can't twist your arm to come and say a quick hello." I let out with an involuntary little squeak of a chuckle and shook my head.

"Not right now." She nodded.

"Can't say I didn't try. See ya tomorrow night. I'll send my friend over here nearabout 7:00 to come pick ya up." I nodded.

"Sure." She shot me a little smile and gave Izzy another quick hug before she headed into the house with a wave of her hand. I was already in the driver's seat buckling up. Izzy had on a tight dress and heels, so besides the phone in her hand, I knew she didn't have anything else, no purse, no keys, but she was a trooper and just hastily headed straight for the passenger door without looking back. Jace would know I was here about 30 seconds after Aline walked through that door and I wasn't waiting around. I pulled out of the driveway with Izzy's door barely even shut, her belt not even buckled, as Jace rushed out the front door. I could be handling this all so much better, but I wasn't.

"Where to Thelma?" Izzy joked.

"I don't know Louise. Let's just drive." I teased back.

"Just don't go driving off the edge of any cliffs." Izzy jested.

* * *

**Thank you all for reading and reviewing!**

**Thelma & Louise (1991**)


	3. Fear of loss

**Clary's POV**

After a half-hour of driving around aimlessly I decided to swallow my pride and head over to Simon's mother's house. I had to face Simon eventually and I figured I might as well get this over with now. Simon was my oldest friend. Before he ever went off to college in Alaska and I ever moved in with Jace, Simon was the person that knew me the best. I knew Simon had the biggest crush on Izzy, so I figured bringing her along would help soften him, but it didn't work. I spent the next two hours listening to the words _I told you so_ way too many times.

"…I'm just saying…I told you so." I glowered at his back. I was sitting on the edge of his bed, leaning back against my hands, kicking my feet in agitation. Simon was pacing the room with a Playstation controller in his hand and his eyes glued to some video game he was playing. He's pretty average height, around 5 feet 10 inches. He's maybe 150 pounds soaking wet, no muscle or fat really on him. He has short curly brown hair and these oversized glasses that frame his chocolate brown eyes. He was wearing his average apparel, a rather loss fitting pair of jeans, which I couldn't help thinking it was way too hot for, and a black gamer t-shirt.

"Simon I think you missed my point." I snapped.

"No Clary, I'm sure I didn't. I think you're refusing to listen to mine…I agree with you..." Simon said forcefully. I nodded in self satisfaction before I glanced over my shoulder at Izzy. She was sitting in the center of the bed with her legs drawn up. She was going through my purse, but I don't know what she thought she'd find in there.

"You hear that Izzy, Simon agrees with me." I muttered under my breath. Izzy just rolled her eyes at me and shook her head.

"…It doesn't matter if I agree with you Clary, that's not the point!…I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say he's been flirting with you since the day he met you…So what did _you_ do about it?" He spat.

"What?" I asked quizzically. Simon made an irritated noise.

"You've been hung up on this guy for some nine years…Pretty pathetic if you ask me, but whatever…" I scowled at his back, but he never turned away from his game.

"…Somebody always has to make the first move, take the chance of being rejected…Why do you girls always act like that's our job? Where's _your_ grand gesture, _your_ moment of truth, _your_ leap of faith, the moment _you_ took the chance and put yourself out there?...Even when you went off on him like a lunatic for no reason other than that he got engaged, which just so you know is not the customary way one receives such enormous news, you never even stayed around to hear what he had to say to you…You won't even face him now that you finally told him how you feel. You just want to blame him for not reading your mind and knowing exactly how you felt about him all this time…You women are so confusing…You want a guy that courts you a certain way and asks you out in a grand romantic gesture, you still think we should say _I love you _first, but you killed those ideologies with the Sexual Revolution…Don't get me wrong, I'm all for equality for women...But suck it up and realize that Mr. Darcy and Mr. Knightley don't exist, not anymore-" I scoffed.

"I'm sure there's a happy medium Simon. I really don't think I'm setting women back by expecting that a guy would ask me out if he likes me?"

"You're unbelievable you know that?…If we lived in a place and time that it was completely unacceptable for you to have asked him out, I would have had all the sympathy in the world for you Clary, but we don't and I don't. It's July 26, 2008, stop living in your Jane Austen books. It's not even frowned upon for a girl to ask a guy out. I would think that was the hottest thing ever if a girl asked me out…" I just rolled my eyes.

"…I can feel you rolling your eyes right now Clary…" I heard Izzy chuckle and I just cast her a little glare.

"…I know you, and I bet you wouldn't have even been receptive to him if he had made a move." I took an exasperated breath.

"What's that's supposed to mean?" I asked indigently.

"You know exactly what I mean Clary. You push anybody away from you that even wants to get close to you…I wouldn't be surprised if that guy had tried to make a move at some point, or maybe even at several different times, but you just kept him at an arms length away…Even on Christmas Eve, if he was really going in for a kiss, I bet you clamed up and turned away before he could kiss you…You ever watch a chick flick? The girl usually leans in, meets the guy halfway, gives him the silent encouragement that she wants to be kissed. You said it yourself, you turned away. No lean, no kiss…There's only so much of that a person can take before they give up…No matter what you girls think, there isn't a guy on this planet that's telepathic…I just can't see how you are so pissed off at him when you never even told him how you felt...Even if Jace has the biggest ego in the world like you say he does, it doesn't mean he doesn't ever feel self-conscious, it just means he's a lot better at hiding it than the rest of us…If he felt like you were repeatedly rejecting him, which I can completely see you doing even without thinking, he's eventually going to stop putting himself out there-"

"But Jace-" I whined defensively, but Simon quickly cut me off.

"No, _but Jace_ Clary…You want to put all this on Jace, and I'll be the first to admit I don't like the guy, but I can't find a reason to blame him…You never told him how you felt and whether or not the guy was flirting with you, he never came right out and told you he had feelings for you…You know I want to be in your corner rooting you on, but I just can't this time…I have a unique perspective on all this…" I rolled my eyes and took an exasperated breath. I was afraid he was going to eventually dredge this up.

"…I can see the similarities in what happened between us Clary…"

"I'm sure you can." I mumbled under my breath. Even all these years later I hated when he brought this up. I knew Izzy was aware that Simon used to have the biggest crush on me when we were little, but he didn't know Izzy knew that. I was surprised he would bring this up in front of her seeing he was completely infatuated with her.

"…I don't know if you're aware Izzy, but I use to have a little crush on Clary." I glanced over my shoulder at Izzy and she cast me a little amused smile before she redirected her gaze to Simon.

"A little crush Simon?" Izzy asked obviously suppressing a chuckle. Simon took a deep breath.

"Ok, it was a huge crush…I admit it…Just about from that very day I met her, until she moved right before sixth grade…We got together everyday after school and on the weekends and we had sleepovers all the time. We were just about inseparable. The only problem, I didn't realize how much she thought of me like a brother, while I was completely head over heels for her…The summer before sixth grade she moved, and right before she left I mustered up the courage to tell her how I felt, but it took her completely by surprised. She had no idea. The next couple years were pretty awkward between us, but we worked through it…I was hurt…angry…embarrassed…and just disappointment, but after I had a chance to let go of some of that, I realized deep down I'd rather be her friend then not have her in my life at all…You and Jace will work through this Clary, but you're the one that has to be the bigger person and realize he's just going to be your friend-"

"So you think this is just karma getting back at me? That's so not fair!" I snapped.

"Karma's a bitch and life's not fair Clary, grow up…" Simon stated firmly, but then softened his tone a bit.

"…Clary it's like Cocoa-"

"Not that kitten again Simon." I pleaded as I threw my hands over my face and dropped back onto his bed.

"What kitten?" Izzy asked quizzically. I heard the sharp intake of air at the same time as the room fell silent. I picked up my head and parted my fingers just enough to peek out and see Simon looking at Izzy with his mouth agape.

"You haven't heard the story about Cocoa?" Simon asked incredulously. I knew this was going to be serious because he actually paused his game.

"Cocoa?" Izzy questioned.

"Don't encourage him." I muttered as I collapsed back against the bed again.

"So it was the day I met Clary…" I remembered this story like it was yesterday, probably because of how often Simon retold it. Although, it might have changed slightly through the years, he tended to exaggerate at times.

"…I was eight years old and it was a hot summer day in early August…" He was fading into his overly theatrical story telling voice and I just rubbed my hands over my face and shook my head.

"…My father had picked me up early and taken me out for part of the day. I remember I had M&M pancakes that morning with a little smiley face, two eyes made out of strawberry slices and a whip cream mouth. I didn't see my father that often since my parents divorced a year before, so this was a real treat...Although, he said that very morning that he'd come around more, but he didn't. Yeah he worked a lot, I get that, but every other weekend. My mother said I was supposed to see him every other weekend, can you believe that-" Simon's voice had started to pick up that resentful tone it always took on whenever he spoke about his father, so I quickly cut him off before he spiraled too far off topic.

"Please spare us the details of your strained relationship with your father." I pleaded halfheartedly. Simon scoffed.

"Fine!…" He took an exasperated breath.

"…So after we went to the comic book store where he continued to attempt to buy my affection with a few new comic books-"

"Simon!" I snapped tightly. He didn't acknowledge me this time, but he moved along.

"So, I had just said goodbye to him in the lobby of my mother's apartment complex and I was riding up the elevator alone. It's a bit of a ride up to the fifteenth floor, so I decided to take my book bag off and dig out one of my new comic books…When the clunky old elevator finally reached my floor, I got off and started wandering down the hallway with my book bag in one hand and a comic book in the other. I was completely engrossed in my new comic book, which is why I didn't notice the obstacle in the hallway until my book bag bounced off of it and it let out with a little yelp…I looked down and there sitting on the floor in the hallway, halfway between the elevators and the door to my mother's apartment, was this tiny little girl…"

"I wasn't tiny!" I sputtered defensively, but Simon just ignored me and continued.

"…She had strawberry blonde hair, much lighter than that coppery shiny penny color she has now, and she had glasses back then with thick blue frames that just seemed to make her eyes look this vibrant shade of green-"

"My eyes don't look green anymore?" I asked quizzically as I sat up partway so I was leaning up against my elbows.

"No, they obviously look green, they just looked a different shade of green back then, kind of teal blue-green, like the ocean-"

"When was the last time you went to the beach Simon? The ocean looks brown." Simon made an irritated noise.

"I'm not talking about the oceans around here Clary, I'm talking about oceans with beautiful blue-green water, like Aruba. Now your eyes look deeper green, like grass."

"Well I've never been to Aruba, but great, my eyes use to look like beautiful blue-green ocean water, and now they're ugly grass green." I snapped indignantly.

"Ahhhh….I never said your eyes looked ugly Clary. Your eyes have always been beautiful-"

"God, her hair was red, her eyes were green, and they still are. I get it…" Izzy snapped impatiently.

"…Just tell me about this stupid cat before I lose all interest." Izzy wasn't prone to snap so harshly, at least not without reason, and I just glanced at her over my shoulder with a quizzical expression. She took a deep breath and rolled her eyes.

"Sorry…I'm kind of going through a dry spell. I'm just so sexually frustrated." Simon started coughing violently and I redirected my gaze to him. He looked beet red.

"_Anyway_…" Simon voice sounded slightly broken. He cleared his throat excessively before he continued.

"…In Clary's lap was an itsy bitsy black kitten-"

"At least he didn't call you itsy bitsy." Izzy jested under her breath and I couldn't help but chuckle.

"…Are you two going to keep interrupting?" Simon snapped.

"I'll stop interrupting if you stop embellishing." I argued

"Fine!…I'll attempt to be more concise…" Simon snapped.

"…Where was I…"

I let my mind relive the memory as Simon spoke…

_"Little girl, you shouldn't be out here alone. Where's your mommy?" The brown eyed boy sounded sincere, but I just glowered at him as I stood up and put my hands on my hips. I could only absentmindedly think about the kitten that had been in my lap as it tumbled onto the ground with a little cry._

_"Little girl? Little girl? I'll be eight at the end of the month I'll have you know. Little girl? Hump!" I'm short, so everybody always assumes I'm younger than I am. I spun around and went to storm away as I felt a hand gently grab at my arm. _

_"I'm sor-…Oh no…Your kitten!" I saw a little ball of black fur race past me and the boy right behind it._

_"That's my kitten!" I snapped as I watched the boy scoop Cocoa up off the ground. I caught up to him a moment later and yanked Cocoa out of his hands. I put Cocoa over my shoulder as I spun around and started to stalk away back in the direction we had just come. I had no idea where my apartment was, but I didn't want to get too far away from where I had been sitting before._

_"What would you have done if he ran away?" The boy asked. I shrugged._

_"Get another one that looks just like him." I said evenly. He stopped in his tracks and for some reason I felt compelled to stop too._

_"What?" I asked indignantly._

_"That's an awful thing to say." He said as he shook his head._

_"Why?" He looked completely flabbergasted._

_"My dog died a few weeks ago. My parents got him before I was born." Little tears started running down his cheeks. I took a deep breath and found my feet covering the short distance between us. I rubbed his back gently like my mother always did when I was upset. _

_"There, there…Are you sad because your mom won't let you get another dog?" He glowered at me as he pulled away and swatted at his tears._

_"No! I'm upset that my dog died. I don't want a new dog. I want my dog back." The kitten was squirming in my hands and as I felt his little razor sharp nails rip across the back of my hand I hastily put him down on the ground. I glanced down as two little red lines welled up on the back of my right hand and I felt my eyes start to burn as tears threatened. Before I could go running for my mother I noticed the boy was holding Cocoa again and I was immediately distracted. _

_"That's my kitten!" I snapped as I went to reach for Cocoa, but the boy kept him out of my reach._

_"You'll lose him if you keep putting him down like that." He snapped. I shrugged as I went to reach for him again._

_"I told you, my mom will get me another one." He narrowed his eyes at me as he pulled Cocoa out of my reach again._

_"He's not a toy you know. You can't just get another one and have it be the same." I shrugged._

_"I'll get a better one next time then…" I glanced down at my hand._

_"…One that doesn't scratch me." I muttered. I went to reach for Cocoa again, but the boy just kept him out of my reach and glared at me._

_"Where are your parents? You can't take care of this kitten. You'll lose it." I glared right back at him as I crossed my arms over my chest, but I quickly glanced around looking to see if I could find any indication of where my mother was._

_"My mom is around here somewhere and my dad is still in London." I glanced back at him and he had a quizzical expression on his face._

_"London?...Is that in Brooklyn?" I giggled._

_"London's not even in New York…It's on the other side of the ocean." He furrowed his eyes at me._

_"That sounds far." I nodded._

_"We took a plane to get here. You can't drive."_

_"When's your dad coming here then?" I shook my head and furrowed my eyebrows._

_"He's not." I bit at my bottom lip nervously and felt a few tears escape._

_"Did your parents get divorced?" I nodded my head as a few more tears trickled down my cheeks and I wiped at them._

_"Yeah. I think that's what they called it. They aren't together anymore." My voice wavered as I spoke. The boy handed me back Cocoa and before I could stop him, he put his arms around me and patted me gently on the back. I nuzzled my face into Cocoa and tried to use him to wipe away the tears. _

_"It will ok. My parents are divorced too."_

_"Oh Clary, there you are honey..." My mother's voice startled me and I jumped away from the boy. _

_"…I was worried when you weren't where I left you…" My mother said as she walked down the hallway towards me._

_"…The movers are almost done sweetheart, just a few more boxes to go. Your room is all set if you wanted to take a look..." She gave me a tender smile as she reached down and smoothed my hair. _

_"…Still sad about the move baby?" She asked gently. I nodded and she rubbed my back. _

_"…It looks like you're already making friends." My mother said in an encouraging voice as she glanced at the boy. I looked back at the brown eyed boy that now had a big goofy smile on his face._

_"Oh…Yeah…I guess…This is…I actually don't know his name." I said as I scrunched up my face and shook my head. He adjusted his glasses before he put his hand out to my mother._

_"Simon. My name is Simon Lewis. It's a pleasure to meet you." My mother smiled as she shook his hand._

_"It's nice to meet you too Simon. I'm Clary's mother, Ms. Fairchild." I glanced at my mother sideways. It was so weird for her to refer to herself as Ms. Fairchild. She'd been Mrs. Morgenstern my whole life…_

"So what happened to Cocoa?" Izzy asked with all the concern in the world. I couldn't help but chuckle as I looked up over my shoulder at her.

"Don't worry, he's fine. He's alive and well and enjoying the life of a country cat. My mom and Luke took him when they moved." I said in an amused voice.

"What she should have said is that she got rid of him when she moved!" Simon snapped.

"Oh god, you act like I dumped him off on the side of a busy highway…" I muttered as I redirected my gaze to Simon.

"…Jace is allergic to cats. I couldn't have taken him with me if I wanted to-"

"You could have, you just choose to cater to him-" Simon started.

"Clary, how come you don't carry your birth control in your purse?" Izzy asked suddenly in a matter-of-fact tone. Simon started another coughing fit, but this time I ignored him as I glanced over my shoulder and gave Izzy a disapproving look when I realized she had the majority of the contents of my purse spread across the bed. I snatched my purse out of her hand and started carelessly shoving everything back into it.

"Do you ever stop thinking about sex?" I snapped.

"I'm serious, no birth control pills, no condoms, no diaphragm-"

"Izzy, I'm not on the pill and I don't carry any of those other things because I'm not planning on having sex anytime soon."

"I think that's the saddest thing I've heard all day. I always plan on having sex. I like it to be spontaneous and in the heat of the moment." Simon's coughing fit was taking on a violent turn for the worse.

"You have the attention span of a gnat Izzy, you know that?" I spat. Izzy chuckled.

"No I don't, I just have a one tract mind lately. It's been like a month Clary, I'm going crazy. I don't know how you do it…Let's just go out to a club and find a couple hot guys to go home with, that will make us both feel better."

"Going home with a strange guy is not my idea of a good time Izzy. Plus, I weigh 100 pounds, I'd never be able to fight off a guy if he ended up being a total psychopath. I'll end up handcuffed to a bed in a basement for the rest of my life." I shuddered at the thought.

"We could both go home with the same guy…That way I could kick his ass for you if he was a complete lunatic…I've always said if you want to experiment I'm up for that." I rolled my eyes and redirected my gaze to Simon and his dramatic display of discomfort. His face was tomato red and he had resorted to taking his inhaler to try to subdue his coughing fit.

"Look what you're doing to poor Simon, he looks like he's about to drop dead…" Simon scowled at me as he sucked in another puff of his inhaler. I tried to get the conversation back on tract.

"…How come you left out the part where you cried when you told me your dog died?" I asked with a little heartfelt smile.

"You cried?" Izzy asked very sweetly. Simon rolled his eyes as he cleared his throat a few more times.

"Oh yeah…You should have seen how cute he looked with little tears just trickling down cheeks-"

"Whether or not I cried is not the point!" Simon snapped in a slightly elevated tone.

"I might have missed the point Simon." Izzy said hesitantly.

"Because you weren't paying any attention to me at all! You were just thinking about sex the whole time!…" Simon spat in an irritated tone, but the uneasiness of the topic was clear in the oddly high octave his voice took on. Izzy and I both let out a little chuckle.

"…Ugh…Clary treats everything like that kitten. She acts like she's completely self-sufficient and she doesn't need anything or anybody, but if you ask me, I think on the inside she's petrified of getting attached to anything or anyone, because she has a colossal fear of loss…Think about it…She has very few close friends and barely ever dates…" He redirected his gaze to me as he continued, although at this point I was scowling at him.

"…You replaced Jonathan with me and then me with Jace…" I could hear Izzy ask _who's Jonathan_, but neither Simon nor I acknowledged her as he continued.

"…You loved us all, probably still do, but not the same way...Maybe it was your age, or where you were in your life, but I bet under different circumstances those feelings you have for Jace could have just as easily been the same platonic feelings you felt for me…You get too wrapped up in fairytales and believing that there is one person for everyone and you're so sure without a doubt that Jace is your Mr. Right, but I think that's a load of crap. I think there are lots of people that are compatible with each other…Maybe you and Jace would have been compatible, but it doesn't mean he's the only compatible person out there for you…Maybe him and Aline are just as compatible as you and him would have been…."

"…Just knowing who you are though, I wonder if deep down you really ever wanted him to know how you felt, or if you were too afraid of what might happen if he knew…I bet it was never even a question if Jace was going to reject you, I bet that's not what you were afraid of at all, you have a million stories that make you so sure he had feelings for you, I bet you were just too afraid if you let him too close, you wouldn't be able to cope if he left you some day…Like your mom left your dad… It's almost as if you waited to tell Jace until you knew he wouldn't do anything about it…"

"…He's getting married, and you want everybody to believe you're devastated, but I bet you're equally relieved. You always felt like you'd lose him, and now you've just accepted that you have and you can move on with your life…Just about any other girl would be fighting tooth and nail for their guy right now. They'd be throwing themselves at the guy, begging him to choose them, doing anything in the world they can think of, but not you, you're playing nice with the fiancée and avoiding Jace at all costs until you can find a clean escape and then you'll run like the wind…"

"…I don't doubt you're mad as hell right now and I bet you're hurting more than you let on, but at the end of the day, don't forget he's still your friend…And I know you're an expert at cutting people out of your life, and that's your go to contingency plan, but I can't believe you'd really cut him out. Not for this. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't break your heart, not intentionally; you set yourself up to have your heart broken…"

"…Do you even realize you took what should be one of the happiest days in his life and now it will forever be tainted because you decided to make it about you? The only kudos I can give you right now is that you didn't wait to speak up at his wedding when they give the whole _speak now or forever hold your peace_ bit. I know you Clary, and I know you can find it in yourself to be happy that he's happy...I also know you're the most stubborn person I've ever met, so don't sit around stewing waiting for an apology, because the way I see it, you're the one that should say _I'm sorry_ first. If I was Jace, I don't know if I'd feel bad right now, to tell you the truth, I think I'd be a little pissed off at you at the moment…" I hadn't realized how close to crying I was until I felt a few tears trickle down my cheeks. I collapsed back against the bed and put my hands over my face. I let out a throaty little whimper of defeat and only absentmindedly registered Izzy stroking my hair.

"…Clary, I didn't mean to make you cry…" I couldn't really register whatever else Simon was saying as he came over and sat beside me on the bed. Out of everybody, I was so sure Simon would have been on my side, he always hated Jace. Although, he wasn't one to candy coat anything and if I didn't want a frank answer, I shouldn't have asked him. Simon was right about a few things though, one of which being that it never even once crossed my mind how I was ruining what should have been one of the happiest days in Jace's life by dropping this bomb on him last night. I should have never told him like I did. That was an awful thing to do. He probably was mad at me, he had every right to be, which I couldn't help absentmindedly thinking was another reason to avoid him. I took a deep breath and dropped my hands to my side. I looked up and saw both Izzy and Simon leaning over me giving me encouraging smiles.

"We should get going." I said somberly as I got up.

"Clary-" Simon started.

"No, it's late. I bet your mom is going to come knocking on your door any minute." His mother is a little crazy. Apparently Simon still has a curfew, even at twenty. After a moderate protest from Simon, and now feeling even more melancholy than before, Izzy and I headed out.

As much as I knew I needed to face the music and just talk to Jace, I was far from ready, so over the next couple hours Izzy and I drove around waiting in vain for Alec to send us a text saying the happy couple had left. I really didn't feel like talking anymore, so Izzy talked for a little while about trivial things, but I think she realized she was talking more at me than to me, so she eventually just turned up the radio and gave up. Finally, at just before midnight, Izzy decided to send a text to Alec.

_Did you forget?_

_Nope. We're playing Bullshit._

_WTF. You're playing cards? We're tired._

_So come back. They're talking about just staying the night anyway._

_Well let me know. If they're staying, we'll stay at Clary's._

_You sure? You don't have anything Izzy. No purse, no makeup, no curling iron._

_Why do I feel like you're manipulating me?_

_I am. Max already told Jace that Clary's moving in. It didn't go over well._

_Ok, we'll stay at Clary's then…I guess._

_Alright, but heads-up I have to tell Jace. He already made me promise._

_What? Why? Don't tell him._

_He has dirt on me._

_So do I._

_Mine is worse than yours, mine involves compromising photos._

_Jace?_

_Yep._

_Screw you._

_I just want to talk to Clary._

_She doesn't feel like talking right now._

_I just want to see her. I miss her._

_You'll see her tomorrow night. Big double date!_

_Ugh! Izzy, come on, she's my best friend!_

_Bye Jace._

_So does that mean you are or aren't coming back here?_

"So where to next?" Izzy asked as she put her cell in an empty cup holder in the center console. She had read each message to me, though by the time Jace started sending text messages I really didn't want to hear them anymore. I continued to hear her phone beeping with each new text message, but she didn't even glance at them. The evening was already gloomy, but the light drizzle that started to spit across the windshield just added to the bleakness of the mood. We stopped at a 24 hour Dunkin Donuts and sat and drank our coffees in near silence. There was something mildly comforting about the rich smell of coffee. Izzy had briefly attempted to engage me in idle conversation, but I just felt depleted emotionally and physically right now.

After driving around aimlessly for a little while longer it started to rain harder. The raindrops bounced gently off the windshield and I could just about imagine Jace reclining his seat back and closing his eyes to let the rhythmic sound lull him to sleep. I wasn't sure what to do, but I couldn't drive forever and I was exhausted at this point anyway. I was really questioning if my coffee had been decaf instead of regular. I drove Izzy home just after 2:00 only to find all the lights in the house off, though Jace's car was still in the driveway. Izzy seemed a little irked about having to run from my car to the front door in the rain, but she didn't complain too much about it. Izzy hadn't even closed the front door all the way before Jace was throwing it open. Jace was just in running shorts, he didn't even have on a shirt. I was a chicken. I just shook my head and hastily backed out of the driveway. He wouldn't have worn that to dinner, and he wouldn't have changed if he wasn't planning on staying the night. I was banking on the fact that Aline wouldn't put up with him making her drive back to the apartment at this point. I had my destination set, I was going home. He might get there before I woke up, but right now, I was almost too tired to care.

* * *

**Jace's POV**

I shoved my fingers into my damp hair in frustration and grabbed onto two tight fistfuls of hair to the point of causing actual pain to my scalp. I watched Clary back out of the driveway for the second time today. She was driving me crazy. I just wanted to talk to her, though I still had no idea what I was going to say. I heard the tapping of heels on the wooden front steps behind me and glanced over my shoulder to see Izzy. She covered the short distance between us and held out a set of keys in her hand as she rolled her eyes.

"Go…Take my car…I'll makeup something to tell Aline…I'll send her home in your car tomorrow." She said lazily.

"I-"

"She's exhausted, I know she'll go straight home…She's been a mess since last night Jace…so have you…As much as I'd like to pretend I can make her feel better, I know I can't, not like you can…I know you need her as much as she needs you right now…Just don't do anything stupid like sleep with her and make everything worse." She jingled the keys out in front of me and I didn't hesitate again before I snatched them out of her hand. I turned around without a single word and jogged towards her car. I could only absentmindedly register the soft damp grass under my bare feet, but I never thought twice about going back inside to get shoes. I climbed in Izzy's car and took off in the direction Clary had gone.

I barely slept the night before, but I was too focused to let fatigue hinder me in the slightest. The drive to the apartment seemed quicker than normal, but I was probably driving well over the speed limit. I swiftly maneuvered through the parking garage and hesitated only when I passed Clary's empty designated parking space. I didn't even have time for my mind to wonder where she was before I saw headlights behind me and easily recognized Clary's car. I parked Izzy's car in my spot and jumped out of the car. Clary was several parking spaces closer to the elevator and I hastily rushed over to catch up with her. She hadn't seemed to notice me as she stood waiting for the elevator. I put my hand down on her shoulder and quickly spun her around. She let out a small gasp as shock and surprise quickly washed over her face, but I didn't even give her a second to react as I automatically pulled her into a tight hug.

"Jace-" She started as she tried to pull away, but I tightened my arms around her as I quickly cut her off.

"Please don't. I just…I miss you…I…I miss you." The words just stumbled out without a single thought and I really hadn't meant for them to sound so overwhelming urgent.

"I know…Me too." She whispered as she collapsed back against me. She buried her face into my chest and her arms wrapped around my body. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. For a moment it was just like old times. I felt a couple droplets of water trickle down my abdomen and I realized she was crying at the same time I heard her sniffle. My arms tightened around her reflexively. As twisted as this whole thing was, this was all I wanted right now, all I needed. I just wanted to be here for her. It's hard enough to know she's upset and falling apart without being able to comfort her. It was silent for several minutes. I was just content to be holding her in my arms. I didn't want to say anything else and ruin this moment. Even though I knew Clary was upset, and I was sure it was completely because of me, there was still a reassurance I felt just holding her. I felt her body relaxing more and more against mine and I smiled a little at the thought, but when her arms fell limp at my sides and her body become heavy in my arms, I couldn't help but laugh, which jolted her awake.

"You're completely exhausted." I whispered softly. It was as much an accusation as a statement. Clary chuckled slightly as she pulled her hands up in front of her so her palms were resting gently against my bare torso, and she leaned her forehead against my chest. I was suddenly very aware I wasn't wearing a shirt. It was far from the first time I held her in this same position, but for some reason, right now, I was realizing just how intimately I was holding her. Was I really so blind not to notice how she felt? She never reacted to me like other girls did, but I couldn't honestly say she didn't react at all. Moments like these, the way she'd let me hold her, had to have meant so much more to her than I ever knew. There was a time I wished she had feelings for me, a time I wondered what it would be like if when I held her in my arms it meant as much to her as it did to me, but those feelings were gone, I thought those feelings were gone anyway, but right now I really wasn't sure. I tried not to focus on how natural this felt, it should feel awkward considering the last 24 hours, but it didn't, it felt right.

After briefly getting lost in the moment, my focus redirected to Clary as her body started to tense and without a word she stood up a little straighter in my arms. I couldn't help fixating on the fact she wouldn't look me in the eyes. Although, I couldn't help the feeling of relief I felt that she hadn't pulled away from me either. I tried to clear my mind and just focus on doing whatever I could to make her feel better. I just needed to be here for her.

We stood quietly for a moment longer before I pressed the call button for the elevator. I held her close as I gently smoothed her hair and she took a deep breath as she relaxed back into my arms. The elevator dinged open and I silently ushered her in with one arm around her waist as she leaned her head sideways against me. I could tell her eyes were open as I glanced down at her, but she still wouldn't look at me, nor had she spoken again. Had it been a week ago, I wouldn't have thought this odd at all, but right now I had a strange feeling that what I was doing was wrong. Not that we were doing anything, we were just standing together, my arm around her, like we had done so many times before, but this time it felt different, and it was that feeling that made me feel like I was doing something I shouldn't be.

When we stopped on our floor we silently moved down the hallway and into the apartment. Neither one of us said a word as we strolled smoothly through the apartment or when I automatically stayed right at her side as we went into her bedroom. She never pulled away from me or gave me any indication she wanted me to leave. I had a small feeling I shouldn't be here with her, definitely not here in her bedroom, not now, not after everything that had happened, but that feeling was fading away and the rationalization that we had done this a hundred times before was wining over.

Without explanations or excuses or apologies or any words at all we laid down together in her bed; her fully clothed and me just in the running shorts I had been wearing. The overhead light was off, but a small lamp on her nightstand emitted a dull yellow glow into the room. I held her tightly, like I had done so many times before, and she nestled into my chest, into my embrace. I didn't know if she wanted to talk, but unwilling to break the silence, I just savored the moment. In no time at all I felt her body relax and her breathing become steady, and though I was exhausted and could easily fall asleep too if I tried, I couldn't help but fight the urge to sleep as I just stared down at the peaceful red head sleeping in my arms. I couldn't help but smile. Clary always made me happy, even without trying. I tightened my arms around her without thinking and she stirred. She glanced up at me with heavy lidded eyes. It was the first time she had actually looked me in the eye since she stormed off the veranda, but she looked like she was barely awake. She might have been looking right at me, but I really doubted she was thinking clearly.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" I whispered. She stretched slightly and shook her head as she blinked a couple times, but she looked like she was really fighting to keep her eyes opened.

"No…" She mumbled sounding terribly groggy. I was pretty sure she was lying. I smiled in amusement and leaned forward and gently kissed her forehead. She made a little content noise, which just caused my lips to involuntarily turn up further.

"…Were you going to leave?" She asked sleepily, but I can't deny I was happy to hear the subtle disappointment in her voice. A nagging thought in the back of my head was telling me I should go, go back to my room if not all the way back to my parents, but I found myself reluctant to leave her. I was content here. I was content to be holding Clary in my arms and just lying in this bed with her. It was a calming happiness that was much more noticeable after all the tension that had been between us over the last day. It was a tranquility I associated with Clary, but nobody else, not even Aline made me feel this way.

"Not unless you wanted me to." I said softly as I reached my hand out and gently pushed a few stray curls out of her face. The corner of her lips curved up slightly.

"Stay." She murmured as her eyes closed for the last time. I smiled further as I brought my lips to her forehead for another soft kiss. I carefully reached over and turned off the lamp on her nightstand. I wrapped my arms securely around her and she nuzzled back into my chest.

"Goodnight Jace." She breathed softly.

"Goodnight Clary." I kissed the top of her head and held her tighter. I smiled to myself as I felt her body relax further and her breathing become steady; she was already asleep. Everything was going to be alright between us, I could just feel it. The soft tapping of raindrops against her window just added to the peacefulness of this moment. I finally closed my eyes and let serenity wash over me. Right on the edge of awake and asleep, my body suddenly tensed and my eyes shot open as a baffling realization dawned on me; I just kissed Clary, three times, without even thinking about it. I've fallen asleep with Clary in my arms a hundred times before, but I've only ever kissed her a few times, always after a night of drinking, and always in a knee-jerk reaction to something she said or did; only then had I dropped my guard to the point I actually kissed her. We always laughed it off and she'd make some comment about cutting me off because I'd definitely drank too much. This time might have been just as subconscious, and it's not like I kissed her lips, which is something I've never done, but what had me feeling unsettled and caught off guard was the fact that I was completely sober this time, I hadn't had anything to drink all night. What did that mean? Was it possible I still had feelings for her that I had buried so deep down even I didn't realize they were there? Was I reading too much into all this? Was I overreacting?

I gazed down at Clary. I could lose track of everything else just staring at Clary while she slept. Even with her lights off, the blinds let in enough of the bright city to see her lips were turned up slightly as though she was still smiling in her sleep. I gently trailed my fingertips along her jaw line, careful not to wake her. I was overcome by happiness by the mere fact that she was here, she was home, where she belonged. My fingertips fluidly moved from her jaw line to her lips. There was once a time when each night she lay in my arms I looked down at her and wondered what it would be like to kiss her, not just her forehead or her hair, but to actually press my lips to hers. I wondered if she'd be mad, if she'd hate me, if everything would change between us.

A low rumble of thunder outside snapped me back to reality as I opened my eyes. I could feel Clary's warm breath against my lips, which had somehow moved to be just a couple centimeters away from hers. Though I hesitated and nearly leaned in the rest of the way, in a split decision I pulled away from her and swallowed hard. That was way too close and what made matters worse, that wasn't even the most unnerving part. Emotions I had long since forsaken came flooding back to me and in turn awoke the sleeping giant south of the border. It was almost a painful reminder why I had never pressed my lips to Clary's; I knew I'd never be able to stop at a simple kiss. Crushing guilt hit me. What the hell was I doing? I'm engaged. I love Aline. I'm marrying Aline. I want to be with Aline. Right? Maybe I was just overtired and delirious and didn't even realize what I was doing right now. I needed sleep…if not a cold shower.

* * *

_**A/N - Thank you all for reading and for always giving me such encouraging reviews!**_

Austen, Jane. Pride and Prejudice. (1813) (Main characters: Elizabeth Bennet & Mr. Darcy)

Austen, Jane. Emma. (1815) (Main characters: Emma & Mr. Knightley)

Book of Common Prayer "Speak now or forever hold your peace" from the marriage liturgy.


	4. Torn and confused

**Jace's POV**

I was lost in a dreamless sleep when I heard her soft mumbled whining.

"Jace…Jace…Where are you going?..." I opened my eyes groggily and absentminded registered the room was alit with the soft glow of the morning sun peeking through the blinds. My focus, my complete concentration, zeroed in on Clary whimpering softly in my arms. I gazed down at her; her face was scrunched up in noticeable distress. She had talked so many times in her sleep over the last two years, but I never got use to the nightmares. That pained look on her face, the whimpering, it broke my heart.

"…Don't leave me…Please Jace…Come back." Her voice let out with another high pitched whine and I tightened my arms slightly, I didn't really want to wake her, but I was hoping to calm her, to reassure her. I reached my hand out and carefully grazed the back of it against her cheek.

"Shhh, it's alright." I whispered softly. My mind might have been spinning last night before I fell asleep, but right now it was tranquil, there were no thoughts, no concerns, no worries, nothing seemed to matter at this moment besides the sleeping angel in my arms. It might have caught me off guard last night, but right now it didn't feel reprehensible as I hesitantly, consciously, closed my eyes and brought my lips to Clary's forehead for a gentle kiss. Was it wrong that this felt so right? I didn't know the answer, but at this moment, I also didn't care. I looked down at Clary as I pulled away and her face looked relaxed, no longer scrunched up. She was peaceful and silent, no whimpers of suffering escaped her lips. This felt so easy, so natural.

I heard an intentional throat clearing and my body tensed. Even without her saying a word, I could tell that was Aline. She knew I was close to Clary, but I never exactly went into detail with how close we were. I wasn't sure how she'd react to seeing Clary in my arms, and right now the fact I had just left her at my parents last night and come here to be with Clary was weighing heavily on my conscience. I glanced up at Aline hesitantly. She stood in the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest. The look on her face was calculating, not angry, but that didn't make me feel any better.

"Aline this isn't what it looks like-" I started defensively in just a whisper, I didn't want to wake Clary, but I couldn't exactly ignore my fiancée either. She held up her hand in the air silencing me as she paced in the room. Her heels clicked on the wood floor before they hit Clary's area rug. When she was just shy of the bed she looked down at us, her arms crossed over her chest, her fingers drumming away against her arm. I had the overwhelming urge to detach myself from Clary, get out of bed, move away from her, but I couldn't help feeling that in doing so it would be some sort of admission of culpability. If I just acted like this wasn't a big deal, maybe Aline would too. Besides, I had no idea how Clary would be today, and I was kind of relishing every second I had with her. I looked at Aline and waited.

"It looks like you're here for a friend in need. Is that not the case?..." She asked evenly. I opened my mouth to speak and closed it again.

"…That's what I thought…Just be careful Darlin', we both know how easily ya can be led into temptation…This…" She stretched her arm out with her index finger extended and gestured her hand in a circle referring to Clary and I.

"…is just invitin' trouble…" She crossed her arms over her chest again and glanced down at the watch on her wrist before she looked back up at me.

"…I need to shower and change before church...Don't forget we have an appointment before service with Father Enoch to discuss pre-weddin' counselin'…I'll go ahead and lay out somethin' nice for ya to wear…Oh…And we have brunch with my momma and daddy after church." She turned to walk away and I don't know what possessed me, but the words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

"I don't want to go to church." She stopped in her tracts without turning around.

"We talked about this Jonathan…Father Enoch will not marry us if you don't start attendin' church, and the pre-weddin' counselin' is a prerequisite as well." Her voice was sharp and the fact she called me Jonathan was never good, but I really had no interest in spending my morning in church. I rather stay here and wait for Clary to wake up. Aline took another step away.

"We talked about it, but I didn't think we made a decision-" She turned around abruptly and narrowed her eyes at me. The words died in my throat. There was a flare of anger in her eyes that I so rarely saw. Aline could be sweet as anything, but she wasn't a push over, she was a fighter when she wanted to be.

"I always wanted to go back to Oklahoma and get married in the church my momma and daddy got married in. Would you prefer that?" She almost sounded pleasant, but the look on her face made it clear she was irate. I just shook my head without a word.

"I didn't think so…" Her face softened as she took a deep breath.

"…This is called compromisin' Darlin'-"

"Aline, we just got engaged a couple days ago, couldn't we talk about this-" The look that flashed across her face as she interrupted me made it clear that the only thing I was accomplishing by talking at this point was enraging her further.

"So help me God I am tryin' to be understandin' and patient right now Darlin, but ya left me alone at your parents' last night and I find ya with another woman in your arms this mornin'. What's a girl to think? I can guarantee just about any other woman would go and demand ya stop this here friendship, but I'm not like other women am I? I understand she's important to ya, and I'd be a fool to ask ya to stop carin' for her, cause I know it ain't that easy to control how ya feel about another person…I may not have ever noticed how ya looked at her before, or maybe ya just don't look at her that way when I'm watchin' ya, but I saw how ya were just lookin' at her when ya didn't realize I was standin' here. You kissed her and gazed down at her like a momma looks to her newborn baby, like she's the most precious thing in your world. I think I've been a reasonable woman and I haven't asked ya for much, but I need ya to start actin' like a man that's gettin' married. Ya need to start settin' boundaries with your other lady friends, especially her. I don't doubt this isn't the first time y'all slept like this, but Darlin' it's gonna have to be the last-" She really wasn't being unreasonable, but panic seeped into my thoughts and though I knew I should have just bit my tongue, I couldn't help it.

"Come on Aline, she's just a friend, I've told you a hundred times we're close, but we're just friends. I'm not pushing her away because-"

"'Cause what Jonathan? 'Cause we're gettin' married? You want me to believe y'all just real good friends? Ya think this here girl falling to pieces has nothin' to do with us gettin' engaged and the way I just gone caught ya lookin' at her-"

"Aline, don't be like that, I wasn't looking at her any way-" She yanked off her engagement ring and my breath caught as the words stuck in my throat. She held up her ring in her right hand with an infuriated look on her face.

"My momma didn't raise no fool Jonathan…I can't tell if you're just lying to me or if you're lying to yourself…If ya think this will fit her better, just say the word." I could hear the venom in her voice.

"No Babe-"

"Good…" There was finality in her tone as she shoved the ring back on her hand.

"…We still have a good couple hours before we have to get goin', so don't feel like ya have to go and rush out of that there bed, but God help me, if I find ya in her bed again after today, I won't go askin' if ya want this here ring back, I'll be leavin' it on the dresser on my way out the door." This time when she spun around I didn't try to argue with her, I knew opening my mouth would just get me in deeper shit right now. I briefly debated going after her, but I didn't really feel like looking for a fight; I knew I was probably in the wrong anyway. I also couldn't bring myself to leave Clary's side right now, even though I was still questioning if Aline was serious when she said I could stay here. This was probably some sort of test I was failing and going to catch hell for later. I just couldn't help feeling afraid that this was seriously the last time I'd hold Clary in my arms like this, watch her as she slept. I was feeling so confused right now. I didn't think getting engaged was going to change my life so drastically so quickly, but everyday there seemed to be half a dozen things that were different and we had only been engaged a couple days. I felt my freedom slowly slipping away from me. Even though I was torn and confused right now, I couldn't help feeling a certain amount of comfort too. No matter what the world threw at me, I always felt comforted with Clary in my arms. I gazed down at her still figure and I couldn't help nearly chuckling, she had slept through that whole thing, she never so much as stirred. Not that Aline and I were yelling per se, but Aline wasn't bothering to keep her voice down, that's for sure. Aline's voice echoed through my head, _I can guarantee just about any other woman would go and demand you stop this here friendship_. I wondered if she had asked me to stop being friends with Clary if I would, if I could. What would I do without Clary?

* * *

**Clary's POV**

_My naked body moved in rhythm with Jace's as his tender lips pressed against mine. I could feel his bare skin beneath my fingertips and smell his unmistakable fragrance thick in the air. _

The dream slowly became distant and less vivid, but the warm body pressed against mine felt so real. I was between awake and asleep, fighting coming back to reality, fighting for just one more touch, one more kiss. I nuzzled further into the warmth beside me and flexed my fingers slightly. My fingertips moved over firm slightly tacky skin. I rested my hands flat again and absorbed the heat radiating from the body beside me. I tried desperately not to let go of the dream as protective arms tightened around me. My groggy mind gradually started to turn, little by little I tried to pull out of the haze and separate the dream from reality.

I remembered the night before in glimpses and pieces, but the last thought that waltzed around my mind was Jace's arms around me in the parking garage. I wasn't sure how I had gotten from there to here, or where exactly here was, but the arms around me were so real, and Jace's scent, his unmistakable cologne, was strong and unlike anything I had ever imagined in a dream. I was lying down, in bed from the feel of it, but I was far from naked, and my shoes were long since overdue to be removed. Although, I couldn't help holding on to what mattered most, I was with Jace. I let myself surrender to the momentary bliss of being with Jace and disregarded any thoughts on the contrary, but my delusional world was all too soon completely shattered.

"Aline, really?" Jace's voice was quiet and clearly annoyed. I heard a click and a bright flash. I opened my eyes slowly as I blinked away the last of sleep. I was lying in bed next to Jace, his arms around me, but I didn't look up at him, I looked over my shoulder at the movement behind me. Aline was standing with a camera, a big psychotic smile on her face.

"Oh I hope I didn't wake ya…Walked by and saw ya two looking as adorable as two peas in a pod, just wanted to eat ya all up… Just had to take a quick picture…Isn't he just as sweet as pie, here for his girl when she needs somebody…Bless my heart if it doesn't make me fall in love with him all over again." I sat up, Jace's arms falling from me. I couldn't believe this girl. I was somewhere between wanting to scream at her or throw up.

"He's a sweetie alright…" The sarcasm was thick in my voice, but I couldn't help it, I needed more sleep than I got.

"…Look at you…All up and dressed in that pretty little sundress at…" I glanced at the clock.

"…6:30." She smiled as she walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. She rested her hand on my knee. Could this get any weirder?

"Well we've got church this mornin' see…" Since when did Jace go to church?

"…Isabelle told me that ya were just fit to be tied last night when y'all came back and she thought Jace might have come over here to see if he could calm ya down…What a thoughtful soul?..." She reached her hand out passed me and towards Jace. Out of my peripheral vision I could just make out her hand resting on his cheek. I don't know what I was thinking last night; let's see if I can make myself feel worse?

"…It looks like ya found some comfort…I find the Lord to be very comforting…" She took both my hands in both hers. It made my skin crawl.

"…I would be just tickled pink if ya came to church with us." Yeah, I never stepped foot in a church except for at weddings, and I wasn't about to stop that streak.

"I have…things." I said lamely as I detached my hands from hers and climbed out of bed.

"Well alright…But the Lord is always there for ya if ya want to talk to him."

"Good to know." I said as I nodded slowly. I walked over to the bureau and threw my hair up in a hair tie.

"So I'll have Sebastian, that's my friend, I don't think I mentioned his name before, but I'll have Sebastian pick ya up at the Lightwood house nearabout 7:00." I had nearly forgotten about that.

"Yeah. Sounds great." I said trying and likely failing to sound enthusiastic. Next thing I knew Aline was right behind me and I jerked slightly with surprise when I looked up to see her reflection in the mirror. She came up to me and hugged me from behind.

"Y'all are gonna make the cutest couple…When I called him yesterday he was just thrilled to death. Won't it be amazin' if we could do this all the time?" I took a deep breath and nodded.

"Just super." I said unable to tone down the sarcasm. She chuckled.

"Ya sound awfully close to bitterness sugar. Now ya don't have to get yourself all hung up on that boy that broke your heart…I'm makin' it my mission to find ya a gentleman that makes ya as happy as Jace here makes me…Ya won't even remember that there other boy's name by the time I'm done with ya." I made a slightly uncomfortable laugh. Oh wow, kill me now.

"Good luck with that…I'll see you guys later." I grabbed my purse off the bureau without even bothering to change. I didn't know where I wanted to go, but anywhere would be better than here.

"Sugar you're not even changin' or nothin'?" I shook my head.

"Nope." I said simply. Before I could stop her Aline had spun me around and had her arms tightly around my neck. You'd think I'd be getting desensitized to her touching me, but I wasn't, it was actually having the adverse effect.

"Ya look horrible darlin', just horrible, like ya done gone started drinkin'. I'm just tellin' ya 'cause I care. Ya gonna put yourself together before tonight?" I chuckled uncomfortably.

"Don't worry. I'll be dressed to the nines with bells on." I said sarcastically.

"I don't rightly understand what ya just said sugar."

"It's just another way to say she'll put herself together before tonight…Come on Aline, we've got to get ready for church." Jace's voice sounded slightly soft, almost sad, and I could hear a subtle touch of strain. I glanced over at him reflexively as he spoke, he was standing by the door, but I immediately regretted looking at him, because all I saw was pain and torment reflecting back at me. I realized this was the first time I had looked into his eyes since his birthday, since telling him I loved him, since blowing up at him and then running away from him. Jace was my best friend, up until 36 hours ago anyway, I should have never told him how I felt, he had no idea, and now there was this pain I caused, this rift that I created between us, I did this. The look on his face made me want to cry, I had never seen him so distressed before. I quickly returned my gaze to Aline as I pulled away from her.

"Have a good time at church, tell God I said hi." I said sarcastically as I walked out of the room. I didn't look at Jace or acknowledge him as I brushed by him, but every nerve in my body sparked and became on edge as my body gently grazed his. As I headed down the hallway and to the front door I wondered if Aline thought it was odd I hadn't said anything to Jace and he hadn't said anything to me. I would have liked to think I was doing a pretty good job at keeping up this façade, but I probably wasn't fooling anybody, not even her.

. . .

It was just after 9:00 when I got back to the Lightwoods. I had stopped to pick up coffee and ended up picking up a dozen donuts too. I didn't see Izzy's car in the driveway, but I sent her a text and she said she'd be home soon. She told me to just go ahead and use my key and make myself at home. I opened the door only to come face to face with Max just taking his last step off the staircase and into the foyer; he was just in his boxers.

"Max." I scolded. He just chuckled and crossed his arms over his chest.

"What? It's my house. You're the one that just walked right in like you owned the place." I could tell he'd been working out since the last time I'd seen him in a bathing suit, but he still had the lean and lanky look of a fifteen year old.

"I'm going to be staying here for awhile, can't you attempt to wear clothes?" I asked as I sidestepped him and proceeded into the kitchen. He just followed behind me.

"It's too hot for clothes. I don't know if you noticed, but the central air is all jacked up. The guy is coming by this afternoon to look at it, but in the meantime, what you see is what you get." Max said as he gestured his hands up and down at himself. I rolled my eyes at him.

"That's rude Max." I sputtered as I dropped the box of donuts on the kitchen island and walked over to the sink to get a cup of water.

"You're right. Where are my manners? Feel free to take your clothes off too if you'd like." I turned around and scowled at him.

"You spend too much time with Jace." I snapped. He chuckled again. He walked over and opened the box of donuts and took one out.

"Speaking of which…What's up with you two?" I rolled my eyes.

"Nothing." He nodded.

"_Sure_…I hear through the grapevine that he's engaged or something. You don't have a ring on your finger Clary." I rolled my eyes again as I broke down and opened the box of donuts and plucked a sprinkle one out.

"How very observant of you Max..." I muttered as I leaned my elbows against the kitchen island on the opposite side from him and popped a chunk of donut in my mouth.

"…Where were you last night? Didn't you meet Aline?" Max shook his head.

"Who? I headed upstairs right after dinner." I chuckled.

"You hid in your room all night?"

"I wouldn't call it hiding, I had things to do."

"Oh yeah…What kind of things?"

"I…There was an important thing I needed to get to."

"You had an important thing you needed to do all evening in your room?" I asked with a chuckle. Max made an irritated noise.

"You wouldn't understand." I furrowed my eyes at him in amusement.

"Try me…and this better not be a sick 15 year of boy kind of thing." He took an exasperated breath.

"Dammit…Ok…So I died…" Granted, I didn't understand everything he said, but it involved him dieing, being turned into a ghost, hanging out around a graveyard, and another player resurrecting him. Bottom line, he was playing a video game.

"…So I had to hold up my end of the deal and help him out when he got to the dungeon." I took a deep breath.

"You missed out on all the news because you went upstairs to play video games all night?" I asked incredulously.

"See, you're making fun of me…You don't understand." Max snapped indignantly.

"No, no, no, you're right. I'm sorry. I get it Max. I have a buddy that plays WoW." Max looked at me with his mouth agape.

"You know about World of Warcraft? It's like we have something in common." I shrugged halfheartedly.

"It's more like you have something in common with a buddy of mine, but whatever."

"So who's this Aline chick? I thought you and Jace were like a thing." I shook my head.

"Nope. Aline's Jace's fian..cée…" The world stuck in my throat as I stumbled over it.

"…We're just friends." I said solemnly as I popped the last bite of donut in my mouth.

"So are you like friends with benefits?" I choked on my donut.

"No Max!" I snapped.

"No it's cool…I just…I've got this chick that's a friend and I don't want to be tied down or anything seeing as I'm just approaching my sexual prime, but I'd totally like to expand our friendship if you know what I mean."

"I'm not having this conversation with you Max."

"Oh come on…I just want to know how to approach her with this idea."

"You're fifteen Max, you're too young to have friends with benefits."

"Is that because you think I'm too young to have sex, because I'm not." I shuttered.

"God Max, I don't want to hear about your sex life."

"I don't have a sex life Clary. That's the problem."

"That's good. You're too young to be thinking about that."

"I'm a fifteen year old man…" He sounded so serious and I had to purse my lips to suppress a laugh when he referred to himself as a _man_, looking at him I just didn't see it.

"…This is my sexual peak Clary."

"This conversation is disturbing Max. I'm not talking to you about sex."

"Fine! I was just trying to ease into the topic, and I thought this was a good opening. It's just all my friends are talking about having sex and I can't have a serious conversation with my sister or brothers about this and you're probably the only other person I feel comfortable talking about this stuff too, but fine!" Max snapped as he reached for a glazed donut and shoved the whole thing in his mouth.

"Max…" I rolled my eyes. I was going regret this later I was sure of it, but if he was sincere and for whatever reason felt like he could come to me about this when he couldn't go to them, I couldn't just not talk to him.

"…Did you want to ask me something serious about sex? Not something about how to transition your relationship into a friends with benefits relationship, but something serious?" I'm sure my cheeks were turning rosy red already; this was going to be so awkward. He nodded with an indignant look on his face.

"Yes…And you know this is just as uncomfortable for me as it is for you Clary." He said as he rolled his eyes and looked away. I took a deep breath. I really doubted that.

"Go ahead and ask. I'll do my best to answer your question…" I really have no excuse for how tangled into this topic Max got me, except to say he's like his mother, really easy to talk to, listens well, and always seems to know just the right leading questions to ask. The big difference however, Maryse would never get you to divulge something for a mischievous reason. Just as I anticipated, I completely regretted ever getting into this topic with Max. I wondered if he was really serious at any point in the conversation.

. . .

I'd like to say the rest of the day was better, but it wasn't. Max harassed me every time he saw me and I was really wondering if things could possibly be any worse if I just went back to the apartment. Izzy and I spent a few hours shopping for something for me to wear to my blind date, but I lost interest shortly after lunchtime. As the afternoon eked by Izzy decided we'd pass the time by getting me ready. I really didn't see why I needed to take four hours to get ready, but Izzy wanted to completely outdo herself, plus, it gave us something to do while I hid from Max in her room.

It was just before 7:00 when Izzy was done with me. She had put a lot of makeup on me, so much more than I ever would put on myself, but it didn't look caked on, it actually looked really pretty. Not a single freckle peeked out under the foundation she put on me and though I didn't think the rouge she dusted across my cheekbones was necessary seeing as I flush at a drop of a hat, she argued that with the amount of foundation I was wearing nobody would even be able to tell if I was blushing. She had put on so much mascara that my eyelashes looked fake and with the smoky brown eyeliner she lined both my upper and lower lashes with and the sparkly green eye shadow she used liberally on my upper eyelids and delicately accented my lower lid with, my emerald eyes really popped. My lips she left soft and natural, with a shinny lip gloss that had just a hint of color. She had left my hair down, but took close to an hour to tame the curls. I would have never been able to make my hair look as amazing as she had.

I was wearing a sleeveless black chiffon dress with a white lace overlay. The dress had an empire waist with a high neckline and a keyhole in the front. Luckily the dress had a built in bra, because I could have never worn a bra with the way my back was almost completely exposed. The dress was short compared to what I usually wore, it hit me mid thigh, but what the hell. The shoes Izzy had picked out actually went perfectly with the dress. They were a very airy crisscross black lace-up sandal with a three inch stiletto heel and a peep-toe. They were a little effort to walk in, but not impossible. With a chunky bracelet and dangly earrings I thought I looked pretty hot.

My mind was all over the place. I wasn't sure if I was trying to make Jace jealous or just trying to look good for my blind date. I kept reminding myself that Aline seemed nice, why would I want to mess this up for Jace. It was possible her friend really was just what I needed to help me move on, then again, who was I kidding. I had been in love with Jace for the last nine years, it would take a miracle for me to get over him. After sweet compliments from Alec and Maryse I was heading downstairs to the sound of the doorbell with Izzy right behind me meticulously repositioning my curls as I walked. I started wondering if I seemed too eager as Izzy fell behind me and I covered the last few steps through the foyer alone; maybe I should have let somebody else answer the door. I opened the door to Jace on the other side of it and I immediately furrowed my eyebrows at him. His eyebrows shot up as he looked back at me.

"I…You look amazing." I might have started to get my hopes up for just a second as I glanced around him and had a painful reality check when I noticed Aline in the car.

"Was I stood up?" I questioned sarcastically as I looked back at Jace. He blinked a few times and shook his head.

"Um…No…Aline thought….I think…She just wanted to see you first." The words stumbled out clumsily. I rolled my eyes.

"She thought I would still be wearing what I left the apartment in this morning?" I questioned harsher than I meant to. Jace scratched the back of his head and shifted his weight uncomfortably. He glanced over his shoulder in the direction of the car. I took the opportunity to quickly give him a once over. He looked so hot. He had on dark gray dress pants and a tucked in light blue short sleeved button up dress shirt that he was wearing with the top couple buttons undone. His hair was still damp and always looked the curliest like that. I couldn't help but smile. Corkscrew curls twisted over his ears and flipped out randomly. I doubted he even ran a comb through his hair, he probably just dried it with a towel and moved on. Any other time I saw his hair looking so unruly and I knew he was heading out to a fancy restaurant I would have reached out and tamed his curls a bit, but right now I was apprehensive about combing my fingers through his hair.

"Maybe." He answered vaguely as he glanced back at me. I still had a stupid grin on my face, so I pursed my lips and quickly looked over my shoulder in search for Izzy. She was sitting silently on the steps behind me.

"Don't wait up. I don't know when I'll be back." Izzy nodded.

"Maybe you'll get lucky?..." She said with a smirk and a playful shrug.

"…I put a few things in your purse just incase." I scoffed at the same time I heard an unmistakably irritated noise coming from Jace. I glanced in his direction with my eyebrows furrowed and he seemed to be shooting Izzy an ominous glare. I nearly wanted to yell at him for thinking he had the right to still act overprotective of me, but I let it go, besides, those rebellious curls spiraling down his forehead and out of control were adorable and I had to suppress another smile. Why did he have to be so damn hot and so cute mixed together? Not that he'd ever let me call him cute to his face, but I probably wouldn't call him hot to his face either.

"You have a key right?" I looked back over my shoulder at Izzy and nodded as I patted my small clutch.

"You have a key?" Jace asked quizzically. I glanced back at him, but no sooner did I look away from Izzy than I heard her shout.

"Don't you dare pervert." I looked behind me, but it was already too late.

"Sexy, sexy, sexy." Max called out as he pinched my ass. I jumped with a yelp.

"What did I tell you last time you did that Max?" I shouted in a warning voice as he took off.

"Totally worth it…" Max called back as he ran down the hallway with Izzy charging after him.

"…NATHANIEL GRAY POPPED CLARY'S CHEERY." Max's voice bellowed from another room. I just cringed. He'd been saying that all day. After our horrible little chat earlier, Max pieced together who I lost my virginity too. I had no excuse at all. I didn't confirm it for him, but the first time Izzy heard him say it, her reaction was confirmation enough.

Jace had taken a step forward and I reflexively placed my hand against his chest as I glanced back at him. His hands were balled in tight fists at his sides and for a fleeting moment he continued to glare daggers down the hallway in the direction Max had just run. He looked like my protective Jace, the one that scared off my junior prom date, as well as several other prospective boyfriends over the years.

"Easy killer…It's really not that big of a deal." He looked back down at me quizzically and I could feel the muscles in his chest relax just a bit, god he really knew how to work out. I shook the thought as I quickly dropped my hand.

"He been pulling shit like that a lot with you?" He questioned. I rolled my eyes.

"Give it a rest. He's been pummeled more than once by Alec and Izzy. He just has more hormones than he knows what to do with. I'm sure you remember being fifteen." I said as I mechanically pushed my hand hard against his chest and he took a half step back. I pulled the door to the house closed behind us. I squeezed around him and he easily fell in step next to me.

"That wasn't an answer…I'll talk to him, I should go back and-" His pace was slowing as he darted his eyes back towards the house. I cut him off as I quickly grabbed onto his arm and towed him along.

"Seriously, don't worry about it." Jace stopped walking and I dropped his arm as I stopped reflexively. There was a time I might have just kept pulling him along, but the longer I held on to him the more my body went into overdrive. I could only absentmindedly mull over the fact that in any given day I touch Jace a lot without even thinking about it. Of course now the actions were just as routine, but for some reason my body was in cahoots with the cosmos about how to make this even harder on me, and now every time my body touched his in the slightest it caused an involuntary reaction within me sending every nerve on edge. He looked back towards the house with a quizzical look on his face.

"Wait a minute…Did I hear him right?..." He looked back down at me with his eyebrows pulled together.

"…Did he just say Nathaniel Gray-" Without thinking I hastily threw both my hands over his mouth as I shook my head.

"I've heard that way too many times." Jace's eyes narrowed at me as he pulled my hands from his face. He just went off. He was talking adamantly with his arms flailing about.

"I can't believe you Clary. Out of all the sleazy, no good, rotten, son of a bitches…That guy was the biggest doochbag…You slept with _him_? With _him_? After everything I did to try to protect you from guys like that? I can't believe you-" My hands flew to their confrontational position on my hips and my eyes narrowed as I cut him off.

"Whoa…That's enough…Who I did or didn't sleep with is really none of your business Jace."

"I probably should have just let that Samuel Blackwell kid take you to your junior prom, then you wouldn't have had to wait so long. I had no idea you were in such a rush." Jace said in a flabbergasted tone.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nate was nothing like Sam. Sam was a player. Nate was a sweet quiet kid. I dated Nate on and off for three years of high school…He was the only guy you didn't completely scare away and if I remember correctly, the only reason you didn't seem too fazed by me dating him in the first place was because at the time you thought he was too much of a dork to waste your time with…" I snapped venomously.

"…And I don't consider dating the guy on and off for three years and then waiting until my senior prom to be rushing…I was seventeen years old…closer to eighteen...much closer…I bet you had sex well before that, probably with a girl you barely knew…What were you? Sixteen? Fifteen? No, no, no…We're talking about Jonathan Christopher Lightwood…God's gift to women…You were probably only thirteen or fourteen…Still just a child…Weren't you?..." I was so pissed off I took a step towards him and pointed my little pointer finger into his chest. Jace looked completely taken aback.

"…You have no right to act like you care who I lost my virginity to. No right at all…" I jabbed my pointer into his chest again and he took half a step back. He had a startled look on his face, but he was making no move to speak or defend himself and I was too furious to stop and think right now.

"…You want to talk about waiting? I waited and waited and waited for _you_…You know the only reason I even had sex with Nate was at the time Izzy made me feel like I practically owed it to him, the way he put up with me stringing him along. I'd break up with him at a drop of a hat every time I thought you might be interested in me and then he'd take me back again and again…I still feel bad at times with how horribly I treated that guy…If it mattered to you so much who my first time was with…You had plenty of time up until that point to make a move!..." I assaulted his chest with my pointer one more time.

"…And what the hell is with you getting all bent out of shape when Izzy makes a sarcastic comment about me getting lucky?…I can count on one hand how many times I've had sex, and I can count with one finger how many people I've slept with…You on the other hand…If you've even kept tract, which I'm sure you haven't, you probably couldn't count on all your fingers and all your toes and even if I loaned you mine you still would probably be pushing it to be able to count all the people you've slept with…And your hair is driving me crazy, do you do that on purpose?" Jace's face suddenly looked confused as my hands rushed to tame his locks. I jumped to the blaring of the car horn. The aggression and frustration left me in a gush as I dropped my hands and looked over to see Aline waving us over with her happy little smile plastered to her perfect little face.

I was suddenly feeling horrified by what I had just said to Jace, and I was even more embarrassed by the possibility that Aline quite possibility heard me with how loud I was speaking. Jace and I walked the rest of the way to the driveway silently, both of us with our arms crossed over our chests. We climbed into his car and didn't speak another word to each other the entire ride to the restaurant. Aline complemented my outfit and how nicely I cleaned up, but otherwise said very little to me during the drive. The car ride was relatively quiet with Aline and Jace speaking idly from time to time, but neither one of them attempted to engage me in conversation. I was content to hope they might just forget about me all together back here.

The drive to the restaurant took close to thirty minutes. We were eating somewhere I hadn't heard of before, but Izzy had been once and said it was a very fancy place. I climbed out of the car and strategically followed a number of feet behind Aline and Jace. I was still relatively convinced that I had completely humiliated myself with the display outside the Lightwood's, and even though Aline hadn't acknowledged it, I was pretty sure she had to have heard at least some of it. Maybe she didn't though, the windows to the car were up, but with my recent luck, odds are she heard. The way Aline and Jace walked with their elbows hooked together, I felt like a third wheel. Maybe I could sneak away and they'd forget I was ever here, though I'd catch hell from Izzy, she did spend four hours getting me ready.

We might have showed up only ten minutes early, but it felt like we sat at that table waiting forever for Aline's friend Sebastian to show up. I was beginning to panic that he wasn't really coming. I was sitting directly across from Aline and diagonal to Jace and found my gaze nervously looking anywhere except at the two of them. Jace ordered a bottle of white wine and we started drinking. I wasn't sure how old Aline was, but luckily the waitress didn't card us, because I was still only nineteen, and my fake ID wasn't that great. Maybe I just looked older with all this makeup on, or maybe nobody cares how old you are if you order an eighty dollar bottle of wine. Not that I could afford to be drinking eighty dollar bottles of wine normally, but Izzy was insistent that I make Jace pay for dinner if Sebastian didn't offer to pay; I was pretty much forced to go on this blind date and I didn't have a choice about where we were eating. I had glanced at the menu a number of times, and the whole thing was à la carte with main courses starting around forty dollars. What do you do to mashed potatoes to make them cost nine dollars? At 7:35, after fifteen painstaking minutes of waiting, Aline's face brightened and she stood up, Jace standing up reflexively.

"Sebastian!" She cooed as she walked over to him and put her arms around him for a brief hug. I heard Aline introduce Jace and Sebastian; I was surprised they hadn't met before. I could just see out of my peripheral vision that they were shaking hands as I stood up and walked around my chair.

"So Sebastian, this little sweet thing is Clary." Aline said with a huge smile. I really hadn't been paying much attention to Sebastian while Aline said the introductions and my eyes finally shifted to him as I reached my hand out. Sebastian was tall, probably just a couple inches shorter than Jace. He looked built as well, like he worked out regularly. He was wearing a cranberry red long sleeved button up dress shirt tucked into a pair of black dress pants. He had jet black short hair and deep brown eyes. I tried to give him a sincere smile when he took my hand, which wasn't too much of an effort because I was flattered the way his whole face lit up.

"Oh shit…" He smirked with a little chuckle. I furrowed my eyebrows slightly at him, not a traditional greeting.

"…Clarissa…Clarissa Morgenstern?" I gave him a quizzical look as he just continued to hold my hand.

"I…ah…" I couldn't even get the words out. I hadn't been called that for a very long time.

"You're Johnny's baby sister?" I hadn't been called that in just as long. I shook my head at him in disbelief.

"I'm so sorry…I have no idea who you are." I only absentminded noticed he was still holding my hand in his.

"You have a brother?" It was Jace's surprised reaction, but I only half registered it.

"I…Who?" I stumbled. Sebastian's face just lit up further.

"Oh wow…" He chuckled again.

"…Sebastian Verlac, but you and your brother use to call me Seb…" It sounded so familiar. I just shook my head slightly and furrowed my eyebrows.

"…Come on, I practically use to live at your house…" I was trying so hard to remember him. He leaned in closer, much closer, and lowered his voice.

"…I may or may not have pulled an _I'll show you mine if you show me yours_ on you and your father walked in on us."

"Oh. My. God." I put my free hand up to my mouth as I laughed so loud, which was rather disruptive considering the kind of elegant restaurant we were in. I heard Aline make a little throat clearing and I tried to subdue the laughter as I whacked Sebastian in the chest. I glanced over my shoulder in Jace and Aline's direction as Sebastian's arms quickly surrounded me. I was pretty sure they heard what Sebastian had just said. Jace had a little glare on his face and Aline looked like her plastered on smile was a little more forced than usual. I remembered that, I was six or seven, my father walked in my bedroom to find both of us stripped down to nothing, he was livid, but I had no idea what the big deal was all about at the time. Sebastian's arms were tight around my waist as he lifted me up and twirled me in a circle. My face felt like it was on fire as I continued to laugh, but I wrapped my arms around Sebastian's neck. I hadn't seen him in forever and _that's_ the story he decides to go with to remind me who he is? I had tears threatening I was laughing so hard, but I just couldn't seem to stop.

"Fuck…I just can't get over it…You're all grown up." He said with a chuckle as he placed me back down on the ground, but he kept his arms loosely around my waist.

"Well god it's been like twelve years." He nodded.

"No shit…How's Johnny? I haven't seen him in forever." I shrugged.

"Your guess is as good as mine…When did you leave England?" I questioned. He glanced down in thought.

"God, it was only like a year after the divorce. I came to New York to live with my aunt and uncle."

"Wait…What?...Your parent's are divorced? You're living with your aunt and uncle now?" He shook his head.

"No I meant your parent's divorce…and I'm not living with my aunt and uncle anymore, I've got my own place now…My parents were both killed in a car crash. I thought Johnny would have told you…He came to the funeral." I shook my head.

"No…God Seb I'm so sorry. I would have looked you up if I knew you lived in the city." He shrugged halfheartedly.

"It alright…I tried to keep in contact with Johnny for awhile, just letters and emails, but you know how it is…then when he ended up in juvy we lost touch-"

"Juvy? When the hell was that?" Sebastian looked at me like I was crazy.

"He had to be like fourteen...You two are what? Almost four years apart?…" I nodded.

"…It was only a couple years after you and your mom left. Shit Clary…When's the last time you talked to him?" I just shook my head again with an uncomfortable chuckle.

"London courtroom twelve years ago."

"Oh Clary…I'm sorry." I half shrugged.

"It's fine…That was a long time ago." I trailed off. Jonathan was my half-brother, we had the same father, but not the same mother. There really wasn't a choice in the matter when my father was awarded custody of him. I heard an intentional throat clearing and looked over to see Jace scowling. I had nearly forgotten we were in a restaurant and not alone.

"Bless my stars, see how sweet this is, it's like fate brought y'all back together." Aline said in an excited voice. I chuckled as rolled my eyes.

Dinner was much the same, Sebastian and I seemed lost in a world of reminiscing and I barely paid attention to Jace and Aline, which I wasn't sure if I was being rude or not. Aline occasionally would make a comment about how cute we were, but otherwise she seemed more than content to talk to Jace. At the end of the meal, and two bottles of wine later, Sebastian asked if he could drive me home. I hesitated, though I was happy to see Sebastian and reminisce, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to pursue a relationship with him and I didn't want to lead him on.

"We can take her home, we live together." Jace quickly chimed in. I glanced in his direction as Sebastian was pulling out my chair.

"Oh? I thought Aline told me you lived outside the city, a half-hour or so away?" Sebastian questioned. I nodded.

"I'm in the process of moving, you know…" I glanced over to Aline and Jace.

"…thought it'd be nice to give the newlyweds some space." I said trying not to sound bitter. Sebastian hooked his elbow with mine.

"There's no reason to rush." Jace snapped tightly under his breath as he pushed by me, his hand interlaced with Aline's. I glanced up at him with furrowed eyebrows. He'd been moody all night.

"So where are you staying?" Sebastian questioned. I chuckled uncomfortably.

"Kind of a funny story actually-" Jace was quick to cut in.

"My parents." He glanced back over his shoulder as Sebastian and I followed.

"Oh? Your mom doesn't live in the area anymore? I'd love to see her." I smiled.

"No, she moved a couple years ago. She lives about four hours away now. I bet she'd love to see you too…" I heard Jace scoff, but I just kept talking.

"…You were around so much I think she felt like she lost two of her kids when we left." Sebastian gave me a warm smile as we all walked outside. He and Jace stepped away to claim their cars from the valet.

"Well look at y'all gettin' friendly." Aline cooed as she grabbed onto my arm with both of hers. I smiled slightly and rolled my eyes as I shook my head.

"He's just an old friend of my brother's, that's it." I said simply. She was giving me a mischievous sideways smile.

"Alright sugar, whatever ya say." Sebastian and Jace walked back towards us and Aline dropped my arm to go scoop Jace's up. He furrowed his eyebrows slightly at me, but his gaze dropped to Aline as she whispered something to him. I didn't catch what she said or his reaction as Sebastian started talking and my attention shifted to him.

"Well, I had such a great time tonight, I hate to say goodbye just yet. I live only like five minutes away. You could come back for a drink if you want? I still have all my photo albums with pictures from when we were kids." I glanced at my watch, it was 9:30 and I had work in the morning.

"Sure, I guess we could." Jace piped in sounding almost bored. I glanced up at him skeptically. That invitation was definitely not meant for him and Aline too.

"Darlin' don't be absurd. Sebastian was askin' Clary back for a drink, not us." Aline said with a chuckle. A second later Aline had her arms tightly around my neck.

"Now ya go and have some fun…" She kissed my cheek before she pulled away. Seriously, did she think we were that close or was she drunk? Though I must admit, I was feeling a little less hostile towards her at the moment, and I was sure that was the alcohol swimming through my veins.

"…We'll catch-up tomorrow." She said with a little wink. She hooked her arm with Jace's and tugged him towards the car the valet had just brought around. Jace looked back over his shoulder at me with such a torn expression as they walked away. A moment later they were gone and the valet was holding the door to Sebastian's car for me. As I climbed in I was really wondering if I made the right decision.

* * *

**A/N - Thank you all for taking the time to read my story! I love all of your supportive reviews! **


	5. Trust

**Jace's POV**

I stared at the road in front of me as my grip just continued to tighten on the steering wheel. I should have never let Clary leave with that no good son of a bitch. If he touches her, if he so much as makes a move, I'll break every single bone in his body. My blood was boiling. I knew I shouldn't be this affected, but it was just because this Sebastian prick was bad news. I could tell he was a complete poser, acting like he knew so much about Clary just because he knew her a lifetime ago. He didn't know her, not like I did. Sure he knew she had a brother, but that didn't mean he really knew _her_, not the woman she grew up to be. I bet he didn't know the little content sound she makes when she's eating something she really likes, or the fact that every once in a while she buys a jar of cake frosting to just eat by the spoonful. I bet he didn't know she always buys candy to put in her popcorn at the movie theater or that she likes to get there early to watch all the previews. I bet he has no idea that she was on the high honor roll all through high school and she's been on the Dean's list both semesters of college and she's so much smarter than she lets on. She's so shy and modest about showing people her sketches that I bet he probably has no idea what an amazing artist she is or that she dreams one day she might have a piece of her work displayed at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and she could too, because she's so talented. He probably doesn't have a clue how to make her happy even when she's really sad or how to tickle her just right so she hits that crazy high screeching laugh. He probably can't tell the difference between when she's faking a smile and giving a genuine heartfelt one. He probably doesn't know she sings in the shower or that she takes over an hour to get ready to go absolutely anywhere. He probably has no idea what her favorite color is, or favorite song, or favorite movie or any of her other favorites. He doesn't know she talks in her sleep or that she fits absolutely perfectly in my arms. The slimy asshole doesn't know the first thing about her, so he should shut his goddamn mouth and stop acting like he does. I didn't want him anywhere near Clary because he was a creep…because I didn't trust him…because he was going to hurt her…because…It didn't matter what I tried to tell myself…I knew deep down why I was so worked up…I was jealous as hell.

* * *

**Clary's POV**

The expression on Jace's face right before he left was burned into my mind and I just couldn't shake the image. He looked so concerned, so stressed, so tense. I wanted to call him, reassure him, tell him not to worry, tell him I'd be alright, but I just stared blankly out the passenger side window as Sebastian climbed into the driver's seat. As soon as we were pulling away from the restaurant my trance was broken by the sound of his voice.

"So…" I looked over at him and he was glancing back at me sideways, his eyes darting between me and the road.

"…I hope I'm not completely off base here when I say I think you're in a similar situation with Jace that I'm in with Aline." I furrowed my eyebrows at him.

"I'm not sure where you're headed with this." He chuckled.

"We just had a two hour dinner. You never even looked or talked to Jace once, not that he was making any effort to talk to you, but he sure as hell was staring at you whenever he didn't think anybody was watching." I couldn't help smile a little and I felt my cheeks flush. I shrugged feigning indifference.

"Yeah. So?" He chuckled again.

"You two live together right?" I nodded slowly.

"Yeah."

"You have for how long now?" I didn't have to even think about it.

"Two years." I answered hesitantly as I bit at my bottom lip nervously. Ok, maybe I could see where he was going with this. Our interactions or lack there of, did look odd. He nodded again.

"Are you two fighting?" He sounded almost amused. I shook my head.

"No."

"So do you always avoid each other?" I laughed uncomfortably.

"Am I missing something?" He chuckled.

"Well…besides the warning he gave me during those few minutes we left you girls to get our cars from the valet…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa…What kind of warning?" I asked with way too much enthusiasm. He smirked.

"Well I'm paraphrasing here, but he said if I was bringing you back to my apartment to take advantage of the fact you had a few drinks tonight, I'd be answering to him later…" I rolled my eyes, that's Jace, always looking out for me.

"…Anyway, besides that…he was a total dick to me all night and based on the way he couldn't help looking at you every chance he got, I'd say he's into you…And you, you're not fooling anyone…You're trying to act like you don't give a damn, but the fact you couldn't even say two words to him just goes to show that you're way passed being able to even act normal around him. It's obvious you've fallen hard for him." I was just looking at him with my mouth agape. Apparently it wouldn't have been anymore noticeable if I just tattooed it to my forehead.

"Ah, ah, ah." I stuttered. He chuckled.

"Your secret is safe with me, because I've got it bad for Aline." I let out with an uncomfortable laugh.

"Seriously?" He nodded.

"Seriously…So we have two choices here, we can try to focus on whatever this is, and see if it works out, maybe we'll fall for each other and completely forget about them…" I gave him a skeptical look.

"…_or _we can try to work together to make them realize they're with the wrong people." I slouched against the back of my seat.

"Seb I don't know. They seem happy-" He cut me off.

"If they're that happy, this won't work…If we can't get them to be jealous of us hanging out, then they'll still be happy when this is over with, no harm no foul…Plus…If they're really just our great friends, they'll be encouraging us and just tickled pink that we've found somebody." I furrowed my eyebrows at him further as I cut him off.

"Tickled pink?" He laughed.

"Aline says it all the time…Plus…It could be fun…You're hot Clary, you are, and if I wasn't completely into Aline, I could totally be into you…You can't say the same thing about me?" He cast me a cute smile sideways and I rolled my eyes with a chuckle. He was attractive, and I knew Sebastian, not an adult version of him, but I knew him when we were kids. I felt I could trust him. This didn't sound like a horrible idea, or even malicious. Of course I doubted it would work.

"Alright, what's this plan of yours?" He chuckled again.

"That a girl…Ok…So you're staying the night at my place." I was already shaking my head.

"I'm not sleeping with you to make Jace jealous." He let out with a loud laugh.

"Wow…I like the way your mind jumped right to that conclusion…" I gave him a little sideways glare, but he just kept talking.

"…but I wasn't even going to suggest we lied and told people we slept together, you're not that girl."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked indignantly. I couldn't tell if he was insulting me or complimenting me.

"You're just a little…Um…" He hesitated looking for the right word.

"A little what!" I snapped.

"A little…I don't know…Kinda…"

"Kind of what?" I snapped.

"Uptight." He said softly. I balked.

"I am _not_ uptight!" He chuckled.

"_Sure._"

"I'm not!"

"Fine, would you have preferred a plan where we had sex?" He glanced at me sideways with an amused smirk and I glowered at him.

"That's what I thought…Anyway…I wasn't going to suggest we slept together in the first place…I was just going to suggest you stay over. It's been cool catching up, plus, nothing pisses a guy off more than thinking his chick is sleeping with another dude-"

"I'm not his chick." I muttered almost resentfully.

"It's not so much the title than how he reacts…Besides, I'm pretty sure in Jace's head, you are his chick, and I'll bet that if you don't come home, that should be enough to make him jealous as hell. If he asks what happened, just tell him the truth, that you slept on the couch-"

"The couch?" I whined. He chuckled.

"Let me just put this out there. I _am _a dude Clary, I might be trying to figure out how to get Aline, but if you want to sleep in my bed, I definitely won't turn you down…" I gave him a look of disapproval and he just chuckled again.

"…Ok…So the couch it is…I think if we just start spending more time together then we'll get a good idea how that irks them, if at all. I'm not saying we need to do or pretend we did anything, just hang out, catch up, be friends. I think it will be fun. The closer to honest we keep this, the better, if it actually works and we get them to realize they're in love with us, we don't need a long list of lies to feel guilty about later…This will be a completely platonic sleepover." I took a deep breath.

"How come I feel like two people are going to end up with broken hearts no matter how this turns out? Aren't you forgetting that Aline was the one really pushing for this setup, don't you worry she doesn't actually have those feelings for you?" He glanced at me sideways.

"No…I know how Aline feels about me-"

"How-"

"I just do, leave it at that…I don't think either one of us is ready for full disclosure here. I saw how you and Jace act and I bet there is a lot more to that than you're quick to divulge…They might think they're happy together, but come on, I've known Aline for four years, and they've been together for only seven months. How could you propose to somebody after just seven months?" I let out with a loud laugh.

"I thought the same thing."

...

So I stayed at Sebastian's. We worked on some ideas for strategy and looked at old photo albums. He requested I not breath a word of our agenda to anybody, even Izzy, so for right now, it was just between the two of us. The next morning, Sebastian talked me into going back to the apartment to get ready instead of going back to the Lightwood's. I think he really didn't want to drive me all the way back to the Lightwood's anyway, but he noted that Jace and Aline wouldn't necessarily know I spent the night otherwise.

I had no idea what time Aline got up for work, but I really wasn't expecting her up yet when I snuck back into the apartment at 6:00. I let out with a yelp when I walked in to see Aline dressed and already sipping tea at the kitchen island; I could smell the coffee brewing as well and it smelled amazing. Seeing she was drinking tea, I absentmindedly realized Jace must be getting up soon or already up. Aline cast me a disapproving look and shook her head as I walked into the kitchen.

"Good morning." I said hesitantly as I furrowed my eyebrows at her.

"Sugar, I worry about your soul." I let out with somewhere between a cough and a laugh.

"My soul?..." I muttered as I reached for the coffee.

"…May I?" I gestured to the coffee and she nodded. I poured myself a cup and she narrowed her eyes at me.

"I don't know how quick I'm gonna be to set ya up with another one of my friends if ya just jump into bed with a fella first chance ya get." I nearly choked on my mouthful of coffee as Jace walked into the kitchen with a scowl on his face.

"Did you just call me a slut?" I questioned heavily. She shook her head.

"Oh no, I'm not one for name callin', but do I need to apologize to Sebastian for misleadin' him into thinkin' you were a good girl?" I scoffed.

"Apologize?...Wow…Nothing happened Aline…I slept on the couch." Jace walked silently over to the coffee and poured himself a cup. I probably should have moved over, given him more space, but as his arm ever so gently brushed up against mine I froze, I just couldn't move away from his touch.

"I personally am an advocate for waitin' until marriage…" I nearly choked on my coffee again and gave Jace a quick side glance, but he was engrossed in stirring his coffee. I couldn't believe that boy hadn't had sex in the last seven months, but I wasn't about to call him out on it right now. I guess that quick engagement made _a little_ more sense though.

"…Maybe ya should take a vow of abstinence for a while." I nodded slowly with a smirk.

"Yeah, well, I think I've been abstaining long enough, I think I'm done abstaining." I said with a chuckle, though I realized how odd that sounded after I said it and I just took a big gulp of coffee.

"You look like you slept in that dress?" Jace muttered. I glanced over at him. He was looking up at me sideways from his coffee with one eyebrow raised skeptically.

"I did." I said as I reflexively glanced down at my shabby attire. I already knew what I looked like, but I couldn't help but resurvey the damage. I _had _slept in this dress, and now it was overly wrinkled. I'd have to bring it to the dry cleaners. I had thrown my hair up in a hair tie before I left Sebastian's, but curls were falling down around my face. I knew my makeup was slightly smudged from briefly rubbing my eyes when I first woke up and now glitter was speckled across my cheeks. My eyes were back on Jace the moment he started talking again.

"So what _did _you and Sebastian do all evening anyhow?" I could hear the subtle hostility in Jace's voice.

"Oh, we just went through some old photo albums and reminisced. It was like digging up memories from a previous life. I can't believe how much of my childhood I nearly forget about."

"Yeah. Like your brother?…" I could clearly hear the hurt in his voice.

"…I can't believe you never mentioned you have a brother…" He said as he looked down at his coffee, his eyes fixed in a trance, his voice now low and emotionless.

"…What else don't I know about you?" He just seemed to stare down at his coffee. His voice sounded monotone and far off, but I could see his eyebrows pulled together, the hurt clearly written on his face. Had he not just hit a nerve I would have been more sensitive to the fact he was upset, but he ignited a little spark inside me, and it was already starting to spread.

"He's my half-brother…" I snapped as I crossed my arms over my chest. Jace looked up at me over his coffee cup.

"…and I haven't even seen him in twelve years! I never mention my father either! What's the big deal?" I spat.

"You mention your father, just not often. You never even told me you had a brother." His tone was soft, the hurt crystal clear. He looked down as he took a sip of his coffee.

"Well I don't like to think about it ok?" I snapped uncomfortably.

"Fine. Though, you seemed to have no problem talking to Sebastian about it, but whatever. I just would have thought at some point over the last couple years you would have mentioned it to me, your best friend, but I guess we're not as close as I thought we were." His voice was calm, but his passive aggressive remarks were clearly baiting and I couldn't bit my tongue quick enough.

"Like you mentioned your real parents?" I spat venomously, although, I immediately regretted my snide remark as soon as the words came out. I should have never said anything. Jace's eyes narrowed and his face darkened as he placed his coffee cup down roughly, coffee spilling over the sides.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" There was anger in Jace's voice that he never directed towards me. I knew I couldn't put the cover back on the can of worms I had just unleashed. It was the one button, the one button I never pushed, I knew not to push, but the words were out and there was no going back.

"Nothing. I'm sorry." Though my words were gentle and sincere, Jace just crossed his arms over his chest as his glare intensified.

"Oh no. Just say it. What's that supposed to mean?" His tone was low and confrontational.

"Jace. I just…Nothing-" I said timidly as I shook my head.

"JUST SAY IT!" He yelled tightly as he took a half step towards me and slammed the palm of his hand down on the counter top. I couldn't stop the reflexive flinch or the fact my eyes pricked. He sounded so mad. He was only a couple feet in front of me now and he looked much more daunting as he glared ominously down at me. Although, I knew Jace would never hurt me, he was all bark and no bite, at least when it came to me, but I had never seen him so mad, never so mad at me anyway. Under any other circumstance I would have been defensive and turned it around, but not this time, this time I knew I already went too far.

"Just that your parents died…Jace I'm sorry…" I said softly as I trailed off. I reached my hand out hesitantly to place it on top of Jace's, but he seemed to anticipate my move and quickly crossed his arms over his chest again. His expression was much more guarded now as he gazed down at me. I might have noticed an extra shine to his eyes, but I couldn't be sure. A vain in his neck seemed to be more prominent than I had ever noticed before. He was quiet for a long moment, eerily quiet.

Jace never once told me he was adopted, but I knew he was. I didn't know the names of his biological parents, but I knew when he was two years old they died very traumatically. Izzy told me the story. She told me his parents were young, just out of high school when he was born. Maryse knew the girl through church, and sat with her nearly every week at service. Maryse was almost twenty years older than Jace's mother, but the girl seemed to be drawn to her and always talked to her. Jace's mother told Maryse when she was forced to marry Jace's father and when she was forced to move out of her parents' home. Maryse tried to help, she offered Jace's mother money, and even offered to let her move with her, but the girl politely declined all her offers.

Maryse didn't rush to the hospital when Jace's mother called to say she had the baby, although she would have loved to. She gave the girl time to be with her family and came much later in the day, but when she arrived at the hospital, it really didn't appear anyone else had come. There were no gifts, no flowers, no cards, no nothing. Maryse couldn't help but question Jace's mother, and all she replied was that Maryse was the only one she had called. It was on that day that Jace's mother asked if Maryse would be Jace's godmother.

Robert and Maryse had waited to have children and then ended up experiencing infertility issues. Maryse had been focusing so much on going through all sorts of infertility treatments that she barely noticed as the time went by and Jace's mother came to church less and less and then stopped going all together. Maryse remembered the last time she saw Jace's mother was the day before she had her ultrasound to confirm she was finally pregnant and expecting twins; Jace was about three months old. Maryse tried to keep in touch with Jace's mother, but after she stopped attending church, Maryse talked to her less and less often until one day the phone number she had for the girl was no longer in service.

Izzy and Alec were just around a year old when Maryse read about the horrible tragedy in the news paper. Jace's father shot his mother and then himself. Maryse was shaken and terribly saddened, but at that point she never really expected to end up with a little two year old a couple days later. The Lightwoods have always been the only family Jace ever remembered having, and he never acknowledged they weren't his real parents.

"Who told you?" I slightly jumped when Jace's low snarl finally pierced the silence.

"Izzy." My voice was so small and timid. I felt like I was betraying Izzy by telling him she had told me. He shook his head and briefly glanced away.

"I should have figured…" His eyes returned to me.

"…When?"

"Jace, I shouldn't have said anything." His hands balled into tighter fists and his knuckles turned white.

"Clary, I just want to know when?" He forced the words out rather calmly through clenched teeth. I could tell he was very upset and trying to contain himself. His eyes still looked like they were shinning. I was sure if I couldn't fix this, Izzy would get her head ripped off next time he talked to her.

"The night of the junior prom…When we got back to the house." I could see the way his jaw shifted as he clenched his teeth. He nodded slowly and continued to gaze down at me with a guarded expression. I didn't know if he was waiting for me to expand on what I was saying or if he was just absorbing the fact that I had known for years and never said anything.

Jace ended up going to my junior prom with me, which I'm pretty sure was just because Izzy made him feel guilty for running off my date, but I couldn't help being thrilled to death all the same. He looked drop dead gorgeous in his tuxedo and like a gentleman he only danced with me all night and sat with me at the table when my feet hurt too much to dance. I got a lot of jealous glares from the girls. It was almost the perfect night, almost. As we were leaving, Jace asked if I minded if Izzy drove me home and without much thought I said it was fine. Just about as soon as we got in the car, Izzy was pretty quick to fill me in on why he had ditched me. I might have thought he would have told me he wanted to leave with some blonde bimbo that had been eyeing him all night, but then again, I never asked for an explanation. I was crushed. Izzy said she just wanted to put things in perspective, that I was starting to act like this was a real date when it wasn't, and she didn't want me to get my hopes up anymore than they obviously already were.

The crushing realization that I was making more of the night than it was hit me pretty hard. Unfortunately, the only person there for me to direct my frustration at was Izzy and by the time we got back to the Lightwood's we weren't speaking. She seemed to take forever getting ready for bed and when she snuck back in her room she had a bottle of wine. She said it was a peace offering. We were only sixteen and though her parents let her have sips of wine on holidays, I knew they would have never let us drink like this. It was the first time I ever had anything alcoholic. The more we drank the more we just talked and talked. I'm not sure how we got on the subject, but that was when she told me about Jace.

"I have to take a shower." Jace said just before his eyes finally broke away from mine. He glanced over at Aline for just a second before he spun around and stormed out of the kitchen. I had completely forgotten Aline was even in the room. I felt worse than I had a minute ago. I padded down the hallway after him.

"I'll pray for your soul sugar." Aline shouted after me. I just shook my head. I caught up with Jace as he was just about to shut his bedroom door and I put my hand in the crack.

"Jace-" I pleaded.

"I don't want to talk about it." His voice was low and somber. He sounded almost depressed.

"Just…I'm sorry…I shouldn't have said anything…Please don't yell at Izzy. Be mad at me if you're mad at somebody. Don't be mad at her. It was an accident. She didn't tell me deliberately. It just slipped out. We were drunk-" He cut off my rambling.

"You said it was after junior prom. You were drunk?" Jace's voice was calculating and skeptical.

"Ah…Yeah…" He let go of the door and crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked at me expectantly. I think he was trying to catch me in a lie the way he was eyeing me. I hesitated, but I wasn't hesitating because I was lying. I dropped my voice.

"…It's just…After you left…Izzy told me you went to go hookup with that blonde in the tight red dress and…"

"Of course she did." He muttered as he rolled his eyes.

"…I had such a great time at prom. I know Izzy was just trying to give me a reality check that it wasn't a real date, but I got so upset and jealous. She just wanted to make me feel better. She ended up snagging a bottle of your parents' wine and we drank the whole thing and talked and it just slipped out. The next morning she begged me not to tell anybody, she felt horrible for telling me. I never told anyone. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said anything just then." Jace just looked at me with one eyebrow raised.

"Is that the truth?" I nodded slowly. He was looking at me very intently now. He gently reached for a stray curl that was falling forward into my face.

"I had a great time that night too, and not because of that girl in the red dress. I never even hooked up with her. I had a great time with you…" I couldn't help but smile.

"…I ended up just hanging out with my cousin after I left."

"Really?" I said with too much enthusiasm. He gave me a little smile.

"Really…" He never slept with that girl. I was doing a little happy dance in my head. He gazed into my eyes silently for a long moment. His fingers idly twirled a strand of my hair.

"…I'm sorry about the kitchen, I just..." He trailed off.

"Don't worry about it."

"You're not going back to my parent's house are you? It kills me that you feel like you need to move out. I don't want you to leave. I just feel like everything is changing too fast and I need you here. I need my best friend right now. Just stay for a while. You don't really want to live in the same house as Max…" The corner of his lip curved up slightly and I couldn't help but smile.

"…I'll talk to Aline, I know she's smothering you…" He said softly as he furrowed his eyebrows slightly. I took a deep breath. It was so hard to say no to Jace when he was being so sweet. He jutted his lower lip out slightly and made the most adorable face. I hated that face as much as I loved it; he drove me crazy.

"…Please." He begged.

"I'll think about it." I said as I rolled my eyes.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you." He rattled off playfully as he pulled me in for a tight hug and for a heartbeat it was just like old times.

"I didn't say yes Jace." He chuckled.

"That's just as good as a yes coming from you Clary…" I rolled my eyes again.

"…You know I'm really sorry about what happened, about not realizing how you felt, about you finding out about Aline and I like that-" I felt my body tense. I really didn't want to talk about this.

"It's ok, I get it." I said as I diverted my gaze and started to pull away, but he tightened his arms around me.

"Don't do that…Don't say it's ok when I know it's not. I just felt every muscle in your body go ridged. You're a bad liar as it is, but you don't stand a chance when I've got my arms around you…" I let out a little breath of defeat, I couldn't argue with that logic. He lowered his voice to a soft whisper.

"…You mean so much to me Clary. I hope you know that. It's just...I'm not the right guy for you…You're my best friend, one of the most important people in my life…" He lowered his voice further so it was barely audible.

"…You have no idea how much your happiness means to me Clary. I wish I _could _tell you I feel the same way about you that you feel about me…It breaks my heart that I hurt you...Please don't hate me." I made a little whinny noise in the back of my throat as I collapsed back against him. I laid the side of my head against his chest as his arms tightened around me. It was seconds before the proximity of Jace's body became acutely apparent. I could feel the heat his body gave off and smell his intoxicating cologne, but just as my heart rate started to really accelerate and my body tensed as every nerve went into an excited frenzy, all of my attention suddenly shifted to one, soft, relaxing, hypnotic, sound…I could hear his heart beating. I so often buried my face into Jace's chest or leaned my forehead against him, but I couldn't remember the last time I laid my head against him like this. I couldn't remember ever just listening to the gentle beat of his heart. It sounded fast, not racing, but not as slow and steady as I would have imagined, and I was just completely captivated right now. I didn't want to stop listening to Jace's heartbeat, but I started to feel like the hug was getting awkwardly long, not that I was complaining, but I was temporarily distracted by the thought that I could swear Jace was smelling my hair.

"Are you smelling my hair?" I asked incredulously. Jace chuckled.

"Yeah…I guess I am…You smell funny…You don't smell like you…I'm trying to figure out what you smell like." I chuckled softly.

"I probably smell like Sebastian, or rather his apartment. He burned incense all night…" Jace made an irritated sound.

"…You don't like him do you?" Jace pulled back and looked down at me; his arms were still loosely around me.

"I just don't trust him." I smirked.

"I've heard that before. You don't trust any of them." Jace's face looked more serious as he shook his head and his fisted hand came up to rest gently under my chin, his other arm was still loosely around my back.

"None of them will ever be good enough for you, but it's not the same with him. There's something about him, I don't know what it is. I don't get a good feeling from him. Just be careful." My lips pulled up into a small amused smile. He always worried about me.

"He told me about that little warning you gave him…Afraid I was a little too drunk to make good decisions?…" Jace rolled his eyes at me and I couldn't help when the corner of my lips curved up further.

"…You know he's just a friend, there's nothing to worry about." He gave me a little nod. His eyes broke my gaze and followed his hand as he tucked a stray curl behind my ear.

"If he ever hurts you…you tell me…ok?" His eyes returned to mine and though a slight sadness was there, his gaze was heavy and serious. His arms were both loosely around me again. I nodded.

"I will, but I really don't see us ever being more than just friends." He gave me a small smile. He searched my face for a long moment.

"Ok." He said softly. He leaned forward and caught me by surprise when he kissed my forehead. I had a stupid amused grin on my face when he pulled away. Jace only ever kissed me when he was drunk off his ass.

"What?" He asked sounding almost confused. My lips curved up further.

"Jace, you know the first step is admitting you have a problem…Do I need to arrange an intervention?" I chuckled. He rolled his eyes.

"You're such a bitch." Jace said playfully with a twinkle in his eyes and a mischievous smirk. His hands quickly went to cradle my face as he planted another kiss on my forehead, but this one was wet and sloppy. I closed my eyes as I started to giggle and I felt his wet lips on my right cheek and then my left. His hands dropped from my face and both grabbed mercilessly at my sides. I let out with a high pitched peal of laughter as I opened my eyes. I was so damn ticklish. Jace let out with a chuckle as he continued his assault. My hands flew to his wrists in an instinctive attempt to break free from the attack, but I was no match for his strength. My mind absentmindedly registered the feel of his fingers as they dragged across my bare back, but my primary focus was on the sensation caused by his fingers digging into my sides. I squirmed and wriggled under his touch as we both laughed. Jace's face was alit, his eyes nearly glowing with unmistakable happiness, his mouth in a wide smile from laughing. For those few split seconds everything seemed normal between us. I heard the sound of a chair scratching against the wood floor in the kitchen and Jace's hands fell instantly from my sides as the laughter quickly died and we broke our gaze. We both glanced down the hallway in the direction Aline was no doubt soon to be coming.

"I should..." Jace let the sentence hang. I glanced back at him. The smile on his face still touched his eyes, but there was a subtle look of wariness in his gaze as well. My hands were still wrapped around both his wrists, but his arms were now bent up partway between us, silently suggesting I let go.

"Oh yeah." I dropped my hands and took a step back. Jace's lips curved up slightly further just before he shut his bedroom door. I quickly headed back into my room and collapsed face first onto my bed. I had no interest in running into Aline right now. I wanted to capture that moment to present to Izzy and Alec as Exhibit A. I shook the thought from my mind, I was being too optimistic. I'm sure Alec would argue a kiss on the forehead and cheeks and being tickled relentlessly hardly constitutes a declaration of love. Did I really believe Jace was doing to leave Aline for me? Had he not just clearly told me he didn't have feelings for me like I had for him? I don't know why I kept doing this to myself.

* * *

**Jace's POV**

I shut the bedroom door and leaned up against it as I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath. I could do this. I could fix this. Things were starting to feel normal between Clary and me again, but at the same time, it was far from normal. No matter how much I tried to pretend it wasn't there, I knew there was a feeling within me that was growing with every interaction I had with Clary, but that wasn't a good thing. Even if I had feelings for her, I couldn't act on them. I wasn't good for her. Commitment wasn't my thing. I really wasn't sure if I could spend the rest of my life with just one other person, but I knew that was the kind of commitment Clary deserved. She's feisty and filled with spirit and fight, but on the inside she's so fragile and unsure when it comes to relationships. She'd never blame her parents' divorce for why she's the way she is, but I knew it had to be part of the reason. She didn't need another man in her life like her father, another man that left her, that let her down, that reinforced her belief that she couldn't depend on anybody. I didn't trust myself to be the kind of man she deserved; I didn't trust myself to always be faithful to one person and to stick around when things got tough. I felt horrible for how I hurt Clary, but I'd never forgive myself if I really broke her heart, if I broke her trust.

Although, a small voice in the back of my head wondered if maybe, just maybe, things would be different with her. Maybe I could be stronger, I could be dependable, I could be reliable, I could be faithful, I could be somebody she could trust. I just needed a little time. Of course, I needed to do this all very carefully. I could easily get carried away with Clary. I almost completely lost control when Clary was yelling at me outside my parents' house. She might have been pissed off and yelling, but god she turned me on so much when she was all fiery like that. I just wanted to grab her in my arms and crush my lips to hers and see what happened, but I already knew what would happen. This was Clary, and if I didn't keep myself in complete control, I knew exactly where it would lead. I wanted to figure out my feelings for her, I didn't want to jump into bed with her, well part of me did, but I needed to figure out my feelings first…Although, I do find sometimes sex does help clear things up…Son of a bitch…And now I have another damn hard on…I really had to stop thinking about having sex with Clary.

I wasn't standing up against the bedroom door for more than a few minutes when I heard voices in the hallway; the doors are pretty thin and easy to hear through.

"Clary sugar, can I talk to ya a minute?" Aline's voice sounded soft and low.

"Yeah, sure." Clary answered back.

"I wanna start by sayin' that I apologize for how forward I was back there in the kitchen…I'm afraid I might have overstepped and I didn't mean to cause feelings back there."

"Don't sweat it."

"I also wanna let ya know that, for what it's worth, it would mean a lot to me if ya didn't move out."

"_Ok_." Clary responded slowly.

"It's just, I know it would mean a lot to Jace if ya stayed. I'd do anything to make him happy…If me movin' in right now is gonna be a problem, I can hold off-"

"Of course it's not a problem Aline, don't be ridiculous."

"I just mean…If ya don't feel comfortable stayin' here if I move in, I'll wait. Jace has been beside himself these last couple days. I've never seen him so worked up. He really wants ya here…We both do." I felt like a dick. Here I was trying to figure out my feelings for Clary and pushing Aline to the back burner and she was just so amazing. She knew how much it meant to me that Clary stay, so she took it upon herself to go and talk to her. I didn't deserve her.

"I can stay, for a while anyway, I'll stay." Clary said softly.

"Thank ya sugar. It really does mean a lot to me…" I was being the biggest asshole. I needed to figure out a way to control my sex drive and then everything else would be fine. I was sure of it.

* * *

**A/N - Happy New Year! Thank you all for reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing! I've been getting the nicest reviews from you guys, thank you all so much!**


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